Artemis's Rules
by 2whitie
Summary: Not a crossover, but based on the Rules From NCIS. What if Artemis and Co. had their own list? A oneshot to go along with each rule.
1. Chapter 1

Dedicated to..umm..Sidekick.

Disclaimer: If I owned Artemis Fowl, I would be making a least twently in the series, and I hand the Idea over to NCIS

Rule one

Gold may be power, but family and friends are everything

Artemis looked nervously up. He and Mulch were trying to make Christmas presents. Normally they would shop for them, but they decided on the Fifth year anniversary of knowing everyone, they should make something special. They decided it would be an awesome idea to melt down part of the ransom and form it into a picture frame. The dangerous thing with this idea that did not occur to Artemis in the making of the idea, is that he would be intrusting a sharp and hot tool to the dwarf, who was afraid of fire. He had already scorched the rug when he first held it.

Artemis almost messed up the engraving of the name Holly, by nervously looking over his shoulder and the dwarf, who was holding it out facing the door. He finally finished it and slipped in a photo of a freeze frame of them outside the gorilla cage in Rathdown park that he had pilfered from the security camera. He smiled at the memory. In another time.

He then noticed that Mulch had put the tool down and was spending a lot more time near the pictures and looking at them than the gold he was working on. Strange how things turn out. He was about to smile when he relized exactly where the Dwarf had set down the tool. Right next to the oil.

I have no need to describe what happens next. Watch Mythbustes if you are, by any chance interested.

Holly smiled as she put the new photo on her nightstand. She felt a slight bump on the back and turned it over. She raised an eyebrow and slipped out the backing. Written in an elegant hand, the cursive writing spelled what she had a feeling Artemis meant to say when he recited the family motto. Gold is power, but family and friends are everything. She smiled.

Was it just her, or were the edges of the photo a bit charred?

2wh: There's rule one!

PC: 2wh?

2wh: yeah…

PC: explain.

2w: oh. well, On NCIS, there are fifty one rules, covering everything from lawyers to knives, to how to apologize. I was thinking, well, Artemis should have some rules too. You can Google Gibb's rules, but I highly recommend you just watch the show, Not the LA version. The real version. Do it. Now.

PC: someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed

2wh: Don't feel pity for them! They don't watch NCIS!

PC:….


	2. Rule 2

Disclaimer: I own Artemis Fowl. I should warn you, That is a lie.

Dedicated to Mr. ******, my social studies teacher for seventh grade

Rule Two

Sneaky people expect sneaky things

Holly smirked a very Artemis-like smirk. Her office was right across from Trouble's, so his office was the best to prank. She was watching him use some vulgar language when he realized too late that all the screws in his office chair had been loosened. She looked away, but did not forget to record. Rarely did she get to indulge in such pranks, as it was a god idea to keep on your commanding officer's good side when you were in the middle of an IA investigation.

Forty minutes later she walked out of her office to get coffee. It was only the third coffee break, so Trouble had not given her the evil eye yet. After she returned to her desk, she put down her coffee, and narrowed her eyes. Trouble was known for pranking people who pranked him, and there was sure to be something wrong with her office. Maybe he booby-trapped her keyboard. She touched it with her finger then backed off. Nothing. She checked the chair. Nothing. She checked the cabinets and ceiling. Nothing.

After a full hour of searching, her coffee was cold, and she went to get another one. Trouble smirked behind his V-Board. He called Foaly and asked "When is the timed foam going to go off?"

Foaly smirked. "In about twenty minutes."

Trouble smiled. "Where did you get the idea?" He would never tell Foaly, but the idea for putting timed foam capsules in the ceiling was pure genius.

"Fowl. He didn't just teach Holly his rules."

Trouble groaned. Not the Mud Boy again. "What are his rules? Only Break into a jewelry store when officers that can be bribed are on shift?"

Foaly grinned. "He has Fifty one. Rule Two saved you commander."

Trouble was interested in spite of himself. "What's rule number two?"

"Sneaky people expect sneaky things".

K, there rule two!

Thanks to All my reviews, the ever loyal Paperclip chick, and FenrirSS. The Review are appreciated!


	3. Rule 3

Disclaimer: *rifles though legal papers* GASP I don't own him GASP

Dedicated to FenrirSS for reviewing. It means a lot to me. As far as correlating to the real ones, they might, but most will be completely original

Rule Three

The happiest people act like no one is watching.

Mulch raised the swiped LEP card up to the scanner of the OPs booth. The doors hissed open, and what he saw stopped him in his tracks. Foaly was doing a line dance. It couldn't really be considered dancing, as he could keep upright for more than five seconds at a time. Mulch backed out slowly. Koboi could wait. He needed a recorder. Now.

Juliet was bouncing on the fluffy bed, with her headphone again, bobbing her head to the beat. She jumped around the bed until she slipped onto the carpet, breathing hard but still laughing.

Holly was the last one to leave her shift, and was relived to finally get the paperwork done. Her favorite song came on over the radio, and before she checked to see who as watching, she strummed along to a invisible air guitar. She didn't really care if Major Vein walked in on the night shift. It was fun.

Artemis smiled as he watched them. Juliet was like a sister to him. He not only saw the smiles on everyone's face, but the frame in her room. It said Dance Like No Body Is Watching. He remembered getting her that for her birthday. He put headphones in his ears, and didn't bother blocking all of the LEP cameras in his room. There was a reason dance had been around for so long. It was fun. How he knew that, he would never tell anyone.

No1 was doing something Artemis told him to do on a boring day: Shake up a bunch of Mud Man soda bottles and put them outside Qwans bedroom and see what happens. When he saw the result, he rolled off his bed laughing. He had to walk around for a bit rubbing his fce to stop laughing, and he must look like a fool, but it was worth it. Rule number three flashed to his mind. The happiest people act like no one is watching.

…

Rule three!

This is probably the rule me and my friends follow the most.

PC: : What are you talking about?

2wh: umm.. last day of school and our outfits ring a bell?

PC: oh. that. suits are comfortable!

2wh: I know, I was wearing one too.

Bowtie: Well, I recall the picture of us in the yearbook

Nerds: …

Fignewton: It was crazy day!

*everyone snickers


	4. Rule 4

Disclaimer: Me no owney Arty

Dedicated to all the reviewers! You make my heart smile

A/N Thanks for the suggestion, I will be using rule #40 as one of my reviewers has suggested. I think it's a great idea. This one is not one of Gibbs rules

Rule four

If you have to say something, think about what you are going to say first

Holly threw the evil eye at Mulch, who had found a bag of fruit under his desk. It was a late night, and they were both hungry but he wasn't in the mood to share. Artemis was giving her a lecture in the ear, but she had stopped listening. She really needed something to eat. She put the phone down on the table, with Artemis listening, and walked over to Mulch.

"Just. Give . Me. A. Date."

Artemis about had a heart attack on the other end of the line.

Holly rolled her eyes as she munched the fruit to calm Artemis down. she really wanted to know who would name a fruit a date.

…

Artemis was worried. Koboi was on the loose, and definitely in Ireland, so he had cause to be worried. He had Myles and Becket carry phones on them, and thanks to bad wording, they almost gave him a heart attack. They didn't come home from school one day, so he called them.

Myles picked up his phone. He had a friend, Mark Daeth, and they had a project they had to finish together in science. Artemis called when he was stepping in the house.

His answer:

"I'm at Daeth's door.

What Artemis heard:

"I'm at deaths door. "

A call to butler later, a mind wipe, and panic attack later, Artemis sat down with his brother and taught him rule number four: If you have to say something, think about what you're going to say first.

…..

Yeah, I know, it was bad, so I'm totally open to suggestions. I am completely ware that the bad pun alert is going off. Sorry.


	5. rule 5

Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis fowl. I do own some pants that were ripped in the Tiger exhibit, (Don't ask), a healthy obsession with AF, and some new books!

Dedicated to a certain teacher who taught me everything I would ever need to know with computers.

Please review with suggestions on how to amuse 4th-6th graders on a almost nonexistent budget. The kind of budget where you turn to a kid to MC

Rule 5

When you are good, you are good.

(A spin off of the real rule (Don't waste good). )

Mulch and Artemis sat in the Fowl manor study, looking over paperwork. Artemis had figured out how to find the fugitive that he had been chasing. The result had been a car crash, several girly-girls screaming, and the scorching of Mulch's new shoes. They had both agreed to split the paperwork, since Artemis was bored enough to help Myles with his painting. Mulch was slightly disturbed. He had been here twenty minutes, and Artemis had already burned through half a notebook. He kept looking up, until he just had to ask.

"Ok. That's freaky. How are you doing that?"

Artemis looked up. "Doing what?"

"Burning through those papers so fast. That's seriously freaky. That's not natural."

Artemis shrugged. "Come here."

Mulch came over obligingly. "What?"

Artemis then showed his the secret to getting paperwork done so fast. You don't sign under anything that described cash until later, sign your name under anything involving health, and at the bottom of every paper. Under the accident report, give five sentences telling how it happened, three proclaiming your innocence, even if you weren't being accused of something, and two giving completely irrelevant details. en go back and read all the fine print and sign where you need to. Fool-proof. *

Mulch looked up in awe. "How many times have you had to do this?"

Artemis smiled smugly. "When you are good, you are good." He decided not to mention how many times he had to fill out paperwork when Butler had been teaching him how to drive. To be honest, if you don't want to be squished, don't drive in a buggy.

Mulch sighed. He needed to memorize the rest of those rules.

….

Juliet chased Holly through the house. She really wanted her IPod back. She noticed a rustle up in the chandelier and backed off. She pretended to go back the other way, but doubled back and hid in the bedroom. Holly waited a few minutes, then jumped of the low chandelier. Juliet pounced and pinned Holly against the wall. Holly grinned and slipped out underneath her. Come on, five more seconds. she darted through he door, then jumped in the bushes. Just as the sprinkler system came on. Holly chuckled, and looked for the poncho that Artemis was supposed to leave her, She found it, along with a small scrap of paper. Don't forget Rule Five, Short.

…..

K! Rule five. Always open for suggestions! By the way all awesome reviewers, I have a job for you. PM me, or just review, of a good way to keep 4th-6th grader amused for na party, assuming we have almost no budget. I need help. K. *You wouldn't believe how many times this has worked for me* Random song suggestion: Gonna dance all night by Eiffel 65.

Show from the which the rule came from: Baltimore, season eight.


	6. rule six

Disclaimer: Do I really have to keep doing this?

Dedicated to Saberstorm, for all the reviews. Don't feel bad FenrirSS, I think chapter 3 was dedicated to you, but everyone who reviews gets a chapter donated, maybe more than one. I REALLY need ideas for entertaining kids 4th through 6th grade, on a nonexistent budget. Help!

I will take suggestions, I I might put a spin on them.

Rule Six

Don't make threats. Make promises.

Holly was having a snickering fit. Foaly had told Artemis that he couldn't cook worth a flip. Artemis knew it was true, but after a childish fight, Artemis had told Foaly that he could engineer it so all of his food would explode in his face, and leave no forensic evidence, so beware. Foaly snorted, and had taken another bite of yogurt, and said "It's not exploding." He had accompanied this remark with an immature sticking out of the tongue.

Artemis then thought it would be funny to stuff Foaly's sour patch kids with sour sugar that would explode when they started to go down his throat. The effect of which caused Holly almost to split a lung laughing. She was shaking so hard she could barely open the door, and Foaly was in no condition to open any doors. The confused take-out girl from the restaurant had then took one look at Foaly, and handed her the soup box, which a mysterious person had bought for Foaly.

Foaly opened the box of soup, as that would really help right now. He first ran a few chemical scans on it, just to be safe. Right before he took a bite, he realized it. The alphabet noodles in the soup were a message: Did you forget rule six?

…

Mayne came home blubbering. Foaly was gone, so he came home to Holly. A pixie had been mean to him at school, but the pixie threatened to beat him up if he told his teacher. The pixie had told Mayne that he could add two plus two, and Mayne had gotten made. He got in the pixies face and recited the exponents of two all the way up until 32768. The kid had then told him to shut it, or else. Mayne had been scared, but he looked the bully strait in the face.

"Mess with me, and you will wear your lunch."

The bully had just laughed and punched Mayne. Hard. And then threatened Mayne about telling his teacher. Mayne had then told Holly, and she sat him down on the couch.

"Did I ever teach you Artemis's rules?"

Mayne shook his head. "No."

Holly smiled. "you don't need to know them all, you just need to know rule six."

Mayne looked up. "What is it?"

The next day, The pixie was cornered by Holly and Mayne before school, and ended up wearing some peanut butter hair gel, bread tie, potato chip necklace, and a ding-dong hat. The principal called him to his office, and when asked why he did it, he answered "On suggestion of one Artemis Fowl. Can I go now?"

The color drained from The principals face. The name Artemis Fowl was not to be taken lightly. Mayne stood up, and walked out of the office.

Two days later, a fortune cookie knocked the pixie bully on the head, he opened it to find a message.

Don't make threats. Make promises.

…

Kay, rule six! taking suggestion, blah blah blah. I always wanted to use Mayne more, he was mentioned in book 7, and it is also mention twice that Foaly has kids.


	7. rule 7

Disclaimer: Sorry.

Dedicated to Poptart

PLEASE GIVE ME IDEAS ON HOW TO ENTERTAIN 4TH THROUGH 6TH GRADERS ON A BUDGET OF 0$!

Rule 7

I relized that a spin off was suggestion to me, and I skipped it (Sorry) making up for it here!

An apology is not a sign of weakness between friends, and if you have to, it better be an apology, not a meaningless I'm Sorry.

Beckett was miserable. He hadn't meant to offend anyone. He was just messing around with Artemis, when he had said something that really made Artemis mad. He wanted to know why Artemis was touchy on Christmas eve, but was a bit cheerier than usual on Christmas Eve. He asked him and Artemis just shrugged. But Beckett noticed how his shoulders tensed up, and the fingers on the keyboard faltered for a minute. Beckett couldn't figure out what would make his brother act like that. He wanted to find out.

"Geez, what wrong with me asking. It's not like you kidnapped anyone."

When he said that, Artemis acted real weird. He suddenly went rigid, and spoke to Beckett like never before, his tone icy and unforgiving.

"Leave. NOW."

Beckett had never heard his brother raise his voice, and quickly hurried away. He then told Myles what had happened when they were supposed to be in bed.

"-and he hasn't been talking to me all day."

Myles rolled over. He grabbed a notebook off his bedside and tossed it to Beckett. "Didn't you memorize the rules?"

Beckett shook his head, and adjusted his view in the telescope, to ask sure the shape in the sky wasn't Santa. Turned out the wind just knocked over one of the nativity figures. "Never had time to."

Myles tsked, then recited rule seven. Becket looked at him. "But I don't even know what to apologize about!"

Myles shrugged. The subject was then dropped and they began planning the raid on the cookie jar to plan to give more cookies for Santa.

They crept into the kitchen, and started to stand on each other's shoulders to reach for the cookie jar. Right before they got it, light flooded the room. They both yelped, and fell in a heap of limbs. Their older brother shut the door behind him, and waited for them to untangle themselves. Once they both were standing he knelt down to Becketts eyelevel.

"I'm assuming you know rule Seven?"

Beckett nodded.

"I apologize for snapping at you already. Before you were born, something happened that can never be forgiven, no matter what rule seven says. I was the only one there at the time. I can never apologize enough for what happened. Im sorry. I would never do it again. Ever."

Toward the end he seemed to be addressing a blur next to him instead of Beckett. Myles wanted to enquire further, but seeing the look on his face, he didn't. Becket hugged Artemis, showing his acceptance of the apology. Artemis awkwardly hugged him back, and both Becket and Myles could of sworn they head someone go "Awwww…"

Artemis smoothed his PJ's, then winked.

"Hey, San D' Klass ant going to get fat on his own. How about we help him?"

He passed the jar to Beckett who happily started to make another plate and heat some leftover cocoa.

"SanD' Klass?" asked Myles.

Artemis twitched a little then shook his head. "I said Santa Claus. Santa Clause. Any marshmallows left?" he asked changing the subject a little too quickly.

Myles let the subject drop.

…..

Butler was on the run from a three foot tall elf. They were talking in the garden, when Juliet stuffed a hose down Holly suit. She the shoved the hose into Butler hands and ran, then dove behind the bush, the same one that Holly had dove behind when she ambushed her with the sprinklers. Butler dropped the hose had an in the opposite direction, not wanting to see the result. Holly pulled out the hose, and started chasing Butler as fast as she could, which was very fast. She finally caught up with him. With a permanent marker. She jumped, and drew a very lopsided smiley face on the back of his shirt, before Butler pulled her off. Man, that was fun. He had rolled his eyes, then turned the elf toward the bushes, where you could hear Juliet giggling. She realized her mistake, and it turned her face red. She started to apologize, and say I'm sorry, before Butler held up seven fingers. Her eyes widened even more. He whispered in her ear

"You can make it up by letting me help you get Juliet back".

Holly grinned. "I'll need a trash bag, three pounds of bubble gum, and a dead body."

Butlers face was priceless.

K! Rule seven, yes I know that was closer to rule six, but I got a suggestion, and I like suggestions! So I used it, because either the website or the IPod app has the list wrong. Sorry for the general unfunnnies. Will take suggestions.


	8. rule 8

Disclaimer:

2wh: Nope.

Paperclip: NO what?

2wh: I don't own him.

paperclip: Own who?

2wh: Do the math.

paperclip: Its summer….

2wh:. Fine. I don't own Artemis Fowl or NCIS

Dedicated to everyone who has given me suggestions or reviewed, it is greatly appreciated.

Rule Eight

Good friends make sure you don't do stupid things. Best Friends not only do stupid things with you, they encourage you to do them.

Holly and Juliet stood outside Artemis's bedroom. It was St. Patricks day, and Holly had come prepared. All the Recon officers got St. Patricks day off, and Holly had used her break to visit the surface, and pick up a few things from the prank shop.

Juliet caught the bottle that Holly tossed her.

"You are aware that he will KILL us when he wakes up, right?"

Holly shrugged. "Yeah."

They snuck into the room and found Artemis asleep at his beloved keyboard. Juliet looked nervously at Holly.

"You are sure you know how to use this stuff, right?"

Holly grinned. "First time for everything."

Artemis woke up a few hours later, and after waking into the bathroom and looking into a mirror, he chased a giggling Holly and Juliet around the house. He chased them outside into the garden, heard a clacking noise, and he couldn't see them. He walked a few paces forward, and he saw that the side of the shed had been painted with the remaining green dye in the bottle.

REMEMBER RULE EIGHT ARTY

He sighed, and then looked over the hill in which Juliet and Holy were in a heap of limbs, laughing their heads off. Apparently they had gone down the hill in a wheelbarrow. That was stupid, they could have gotten hurt. Then he re read what they had written on the shed. He regretted teaching them his rules.

Artemis Fowl Sr. had been watching his son tear around the house chasing Juliet and another girl. He started to roll his eyes and go back to bed when he did a double take and walked over to the balcony overlooking the living room. Since when had Arty's hair been bright green?

…..

Qwan tried to pull himself together. He was the closest thing No1 had to family, so he tried to fill the position of Father.

"What were you doing again?"

No1 sighed. This was the second time through. "Well…"

No1 peeped through the curtain to Mulch. "Are you sure this is a good idea?

Mulch grinned. "No, it isn't, but is IS fun.."

No1 nodded, reassured.

Foaly had gotten hooked on Mud man games, and had discovered Pac-Man. He had immediately gotten creeped out by the 3-D ghosts projected by the gas screens, and had immediately gone back to galaga. Mulch had been there and seen Foaly's face, so he decided to recruit No1, doodah, and Trouble to be the ghosts. The Plan was to have Holly run through the OPS booth in all yellow, which would confuse him. They would all be chasing Holly in colored sheets with googly eyes attached.

The three crept up on the OPS booth, and when Foaly let Holly in, they jumped from their positions and followed her in, yelling and screaming and laughing.

Foaly took one look at them all, and promptly wet his pants.

Qwan happened to be the room to, and saw No1 get tangled in the sheet, after accidentally getting a shock from the plasma floor.

"…So that's what happened." finished No1.

Qwan rubbed his eyes. He had about wet his pants to, because for a minute he thought he saw three quantum zombies from the time stream.

"..Why.."

No1 shrugged. "Rule number eight."

Qwan raised his eyebrow

" Good friends make sure you don't do stupid things. Best Friends not only do stupid things with you, they encourage you to do them."

Yeah! Rule Nine! I don't update on Sunday, but I do take suggestions, and answers to the questions on the previous three chapters! Thanks for reviewing!


	9. rule 9

Disclaimer: *waits for drum roll*

Bowtie: *beats on drums, and throws drumsticks up and breaks a light*

2wh* bruhes off the broken glass* I DON'T OWN ARTEMIS FOWL!

*echo echo*

Dedicated to All the people who have reviewed.

I got a suggestion for rule nine, but I already had this one planned out, so whenever I need one, I will use a slightly changed version of starryowly's rule, since it correlates with a later one, but I do use suggestions.

Rule nine: Never go anywhere without at least three backup plans. It's for your own good.

Holly nudged Butler.

"What is he doing? We need to leave."

Butler shrugged, his hand crawling toward his waist. Holly noticed the action.

"What are you doing?"

Butler kept his eye on Artemis "Following rule nine"

Holly's eyebrows shot up. " Never go anywhere without at least three backup plans. It's for your own good?"

Butler shook his head. "No. Not Artemis's rules. My rules."

Holly looked at him expectantly.

"Never go anywhere without a knife."

Holly nodded appreciably. "So what plan entail studying a manual and spending half an hour looking around the kitchen?"

Butler rolled his eyes. "According to Artemis, Microwaves are tricky."

…..

Mulch looked at Foaly. As close as the two were, he was still trying to understand him. They were going to the mall to pick out Caballine a birthday present, but taking along a huge backpack was a bit unneeded.

" I know I'm going to regret it, but what's in there?"

Foaly grinned. "Everything I need in case I get ambushed by goblin gangs, Koboi's minions, Artemis turned evil, Orion, Holly with a gun, paparazzi…"

"Whoa. Stop there. You found a cure for the paparazzi?"

Foaly nodded happily.

"What is it?"

Foaly set the pack on te ground and started searching through the pockets.

Twenty minutes later….

"Aha!" said Foaly, his voice triumphant. He held it up for mulch to see. "You press this doodad here, and… IM SO SORRY MULCH! ARE YOU OK?

Mulch was rolling around on the ground. "MY EYES!"

Foaly searched through his backup bag for a few minutes. "Here you go!" Water: the best way to battle pepper spray.

Mulch poured the water over his eyes. "AHHGGHHHH!

Artemis and Holly watched the video and laughed and winced at the same time.

"Poor, poor mulch" chuckled Artemis.

Holly backed it up until she saw what exactly was in Foaly's backpack.

"Why would he need a parachute and C4?"

Artemis traced circles on the desk, now bored with watching mulch squirm on the floor.

"Probably for plan three."

Holly just looked at him.

Artemis sighed. " Never go anywhere without at least three backup plans. It's for your own good".

Holly nodded knowingly. "Mind copying that onto a disk for me?"

Artemis was already doing it, his fingers a blur on the keyboard. "Going to send it somewhere?"

Holly nodded.

*for the record, after this video was sent to PPTV, the paparazzi did not bother Foaly for a whole week*

Rule nine! Wahoo! I will use all of the suggestions, but not in the order that they were suggested. When I don't have a good idea for a spin off, I will use any suggestions for rules and scenarios. I can only rely on inspiration from my own stupidity (Like the above scene) for so long.


	10. rule 10

Go to the bottom to review about a possible spin off, options at the bottom.

Dedicated to Poptart, I'm sorry I flooded your house (Explanation for the people who want it at the bottom)

Disclaimer: I'm just going to not put the disclaimer up, and see how many people pass over it, just because I put the word "Disclaimer"

A/N This came out of the reason I did not update, I was getting inspiration for this rule.

Rule ten: Start with the simple stuff before you move on the big stuff

Artemis was staying up all night with his brothers, who had begged for three weeks to their parents to have an all-nighter with Oreos and lemonade. Well, it had been coffee, but the idea was rejected immediately. In turn, Angeline had told Artemis she wanted him to join them in exchange for not being forced to wear a T-Shirt for a whole week, and Artemis had immediately agreed, with a pity-fest later.

He was now regretting it. The repair man had been called, but he couldn't come as soon as Artemis would have liked, so for two more days, they were stuck with a touchy sewer system. Beckett had left the room silently, while Artemis was talking to Holly, Myles with him. Beckett had flushed the toilet, and it had risen to the top.

"….Myles.."

*examines the toilet"

"What did you do, simple-toon?"

"Nothing! I just flushed the toilet!"

"Whatever. Did you flush all the toilet paper rolls down the toilet again?"

"Are you ever going to let that go?"

"Never."

"Whatever. I dint do anything, it was the toilet."

To prove his point, Beckett reached out and flushed the toilet again, before Myles could stop him.

The toilet started overflowing and wouldn't stop.

Beckett panicked, and tried to use his slipper socks* to block the toilet water, but to no avail. Myles ran down the hall.

"Arty! Daddy! Mummy! Beckett made the toilet go boom!"

Becket was trill trying to stop the flow**

Artemis Sr. tore around the corner, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He took one look at the mess and ran to go get towels. Artemis jr. ran downstairs to make sure it wasn't leaking from the pipes. It was. Angeline looked at all the bustle around her, rolled her eyes, and grabbed the plunger.

"Doesn't anyone around here know how to use one of these things?"

After the towels were soaked, the buckets were full, Myles had stopped hyperventilating, Beckett had stopped crying and blubbering out apologies, Artemis had stopped laughing, they decided it would be best to get to bed.

Artemis resumed his call to Holly.

"Yeah, My brother almost flooded our house."

"Really? Did he use a fire hose?"

"The toilet"

"did he flush it twice?"

"Apparently."

"….He didn't just use a plunger?"

"doesn't know how."

"Wow. What happened to rule ten."

"Stop using my rues against me. Please."

" Nope just thinking, for the time being, you should substitute it. "

"I don't change the rules."

"You just break them all the time. That makes sense."

"Rules are meant to be broken. That's why they are called "Rules". "

Holly laughed. "You may have just made up two rules to add to MY ever-growing set."

"You too? I knew Butler was making some, but you?"

"Hey, you started a trend. Foaly and Mulch are making some, and I think even Trouble is making a set."

"Very well. What would these two rules be?"

"Never go to the bathroom without knowing how to use a plunger, and Rules are there to be broken."

"Except mine."

…

Myles was pacing the room. "You didn't follow rule ten, simple-toon. Start with the simple stuff before you move on the big stuff ."

"But plungers are big!"

…

This one was long, so today I'm only going to have one scenario. Sorry. I'm tired. This came out of real life. I went to the bathroom, at a sleepover, and flooded my friends bathroom, and the pipes had leaked in the basement, I felt so awful, And my friends aren't going to let it g anytime soon. Feel sorry for me. Feel Very sorry.

Review if you want a spin-off. My friends on FF have expressed interest in Making a set of rules for Juliet, Or Holly. I don't know how well that would go. Tell me what you think, if you think someone else could do a better job, or what. Or just PM me if you want to make a spin off, for an AF character. I don't know.


	11. rule 11

Yeah, sorry about the slow update, but I don't update on Sundays, and I was watching men in tights! (robin Hood) Possibly the most funny movie ever. Go Youtube it. I sad over the lack of reviews from the last one though…the more reviews the faster I update. It's a vicious circle

Disclaimer:

Paperclip chick: 2wh, you don't own AF

2wh: I don't? *surprised*

2wh: *speaks into walkie-talkie* Fignewton? The guy in the trunk? The one tied up?

FN: Yeah. The one in the suit?

2wh: Better let him go.

….

Rule 11: A job is never done. Its only done when you decide to finish it, and nobody else wants to finish it.

…

Holly was snorting into her coffee cup, and almost choked on the liquid. After Artemis's mind-wipe, Foaly had started dancing classes. Holly "Accidentally" let it slip to caballine, and she used one of Artemis's rules against Foaly. It was his own fault, he taught her the rules. Holly had a lot of sick leave, so she decided the most productive way to spend it is to watch through the glass. With a video camera. Foaly was hopeless at line dancing, but at least he didn't have to wear dance shoes. On the other hand, in TAP, you had too…

Actually a more productive way to spend her time would be to dial 9-1, then wait to dial the last one. Wait, you have to dial 9 to get out of the building, so it would be 9-9-1, the wait to dial the last one.* It would call the hospitals. They would need to be waiting with bandages. for the people with were stepped on by Foaly, wacked be Foaly, or got the wind knocked out of him or her when his show flew off and nailed them in the stomach.

After three near fatalities, four real fatalities, ten people with broken bones, five with internal bleeding , and six people with concussions, and a new fear of donkeys, ( and that was just the kick line ) Foaly decided he would not go to dance class anymore. He had already paid for the month though..

"NO" said Holly.

"Pretty pretty please with a CH4 (g)+2O2 (g) on top?

"Absolutely not. I am not a dancing fairy."

"YOURE nOt OnE! I SenT MulTIPLE Fairies to the HOSPITAL! Beat that!"

"No."

"Rule eleven?"

"I don't want to finish it."

"…."

Two days later….

"Holly, I don't see why putting me in a blindfold is necessary."

"Don't worry Mulch. Remember that favor you owe Foaly. It's about to be repaid, and he will SO owe you one."

"Why am I scared?"

…..

Artemis was attempting to teach Myles and Beckett to fly a plane.

It was not going well.

"Pretty colors…"

"Arty, what does this button do?"

Artemis was close to just quitting. Myles was actually doing quite well, but beckett was a bit more of a challenge. Figures. He decided five minutes in it would be best to wear a bulletproof vest and a parachute even though they weren't taking off. Beckett ha almost shot himself with the flare gun twice now. Holly had volunteered top teach them, but he didn't want to be an only child again. That option looked actually appeasing now. He was reaching for his phone, when it vibrated. He had a text. He opened it and read it. It was from his father.

Rule Eleven Arty.

…..

Review! *peer pressure*

Yeah! We are in the double digits! Only forty more to go! *Thinks about how depressing that sounds*

*Kudos to whoever gets where that came from.*

watch robin hood: men in tights!

feel free to review with suggestions. I will take them. I can only use my own stupidity to writ these stories for so long.


	12. rule 12

Answering reviews (Yes I do, just not every rule, maybe every three)

Classified person: Wow. I'm honored you think so highly of me, unless you were being sarcastic. I'll try to keep it up to your expectations.

Ijustcantchoose: Don't worry. In the AF files, it says Foaly took up line dancing, and it came out after EC but before OD, when he was mind-wiped. No, he was not mind-wiped agin, unless you count the one from the TTP on little Artemis. If Colfer mind-wipes him in the last book, I will be making a short visit to his house with a homemade neutrino.

TheOKgirlie: Glad you liked it. Please don't send me the hospital bill

saberstorm: In this rule, it involves lawyers as a joke for the people who watch NCIS, but psychiatrists…you may have come up with rule thirteen…

Dedicated to Justin ***** and his mom. Thanks for the shirt!

Disclaimer: Just don't even ask

rule twelve: If you are going to date a co-worker, leave the dating, kissing, drama and fights at the door, don't let it interfere with your work, and make sure it isn't a lawyer.

….

P.S I am an A/H shipper…

….

Holly and Artemis found Foaly in a heap hiding beneath a blanket in the OPs booth.

"Get up Foaly. What's wrong this time? Did your computer spontaneously combust?"

"NO. You aren't funny, you know."

Artemis stayed out of it. Holly, while violent, was better than him about comforting people.

"Well, what happened?"

"Well, caballine exiled me from the house last night for a few days."

"Wha…why?"

"I tried teaching mayne to cook. When she wasn't home."

"How many things blew up?"

Artemis decided to step in. He could relate to bad cooking more than holly could. at least she didn't have to call the fire department every time she tried making a peanut butter and jelly. There was a reason the twins would wake up Butler every time they wanted something to eat, instead of just asking him, when he was already in the kitchen.

"Foaly?"

"Yes?"

" Don't feel too bad. I made mulch a sandwich once…"

"It didn't even qualify as a sandwich" Interrupted Holly.

"And your wife doesn't even have the code to the OP booth, so you can hide out in here for a few years if necessary. " He finished lamely.

"What happened?" asked Holly.

" Nothing big. I was teaching him how to microwave soup….and I kind of gave him the wrong instructions."

"What did you tell him to do?"

"Nothing way out of the rule book. But the end result ended in the slushie man never coming down our street again, a science teacher wanting a video of what happened to demonstrate in his own classroom*, and a really good headline for the three o clock news. Oh, and Mayne and I had to jump out the window to survive."

Artemis looked guilty for a minute, while Holly almost choked with withheld laughter.

"So that's why Cabbaline is mad at you?"

"Yeah, that and the fact her sculpture that she had to have done by today was in the apartment."

Holly dint really know what to say, because he wasn't married. she looked to Artemis.

"Didn't rule twelve deal with dating?"

Artemis looked uncomfortable. "Yes, but it wouldn't help the situation."

Foaly looked up. He had forgotten rule twelve. He could only write so much on his hoof.

"What was it again?"

" If you are going to date a co-worker, leave the dating, kissing, drama and fights at the door, don't let it interfere with your work, and make sure it isn't a lawyer. "

"Yeah. you're right. That doesn't have anything to do with my situation."

"Well, actually it does."

"How?"

Caballine isn't your co-worker. You CAN bring in the dating, drama, fights, drama fights, complaints about lawyers, drama queen lawyers, complaints about a pair of dating lawyers who bring drama into the contracts, and anything else."

Holly grinned. "A loophole!"

Foaly looked up curiously. "What do you have against lawyers?" **

"Ark Sool was a lawyer."***

"ah."

"I would start by writing a I'm sorry card. But make it a hologram. NO crayons."

"I'm not two years old, Fowl."

"Remember my birthday card?"

….

Artemis and Holly walked out of the OPs booth after calling Caballine to try to let Foaly help clean up. Artemis had no idea why she was so mad. He and Holly walked down the hallway together.

"Do you know, ever regret not having a girlfriend or something?"

Artemis thought about it. "Yes, a little, but I obviously can't go blurting the secret of the People to every girl I meet, and if I keep the secret too long, she would probably break up with me."

Holly thought about that. "Well, didn't you convince me to follow you're rules?"

"…yeah.."

"And don't you follow Butlers rules?"

"Mostly."

"What's his rule number twelve?"

"Never date a co-worker."

"If I checked the LEP employment database, would I find you?

"…No….."

"Well, I think you found a n answer to your problem."

"WAIT!...what's that supposed to mean?

Yeah, due to the adrenaline rush from that minor moment, and the fact I really need to get caught up on school work, and the fact it was long, imp only writing one part. its hard trying to update everyday but Sunday. Please review with suggestions for rules (There's fifty one) or just stupid things you hear in hope I can form it into a story, or just a weird prompt like:

HOLY COW! A COLORBLIND BULL!

there might be something to work with that actually….

anyway, ciao!

*Yeah, true story. We have a science teacher who keeps blowing up his room. He takes experiments from the mythbusters and tries them out in his room..fireballs from methane bubbles etc

**Sorry if you are a lawyer, no offence, this is an NCIS or pearls before swine joke, depending on how you look at it.

*** I don't know if he really was, but he seems like he would be


	13. rule 13

Ok, I said I wouldn't respond to reviews this chapter, but Iied. After getting so few reviews for my last few chapters, a getting a lot for the last, I felt like answering. Sorry I dint update yesterday, but I went to the bookstore, bought alex rider, enders game, and followed kitsunes heat's advice and bought eats, shoots, and leaves.

Readergirl99: Thank you! *scarf's down cookies* Glad u like it! Thanks for reviewing…

Ijustcantchoose: Yes, there was A/H. There might be references, but it won't be follow up surrounding it. I'm not a very good romance writer, seeing as I don't read romance, and I've never had a boyfriend, I don't have anything to go on….I might use the rule. You never know. I like suggestions, although I might alter it.

Youknowme: That was creepy. For a minute I thought you knew who I was, because I play a viola. Freaked me out for a second. I might use those prompts, although I'm trying to stay away from toilet humor. I might use it….it would be a good situation with Juliet and the twins….*Starts writing*

saberstorm: I don't know if being in IA is a lawyer. Maybe a prosecuting attorney….hmm…. Have you read the Supernaturalist? In that case, he has the evil part down, but he would need to be the head of the unit for him to be a supernaturalist lawyer…

Rule 13, the all anticipated one..

Never trust or involve psychiatrists. Things are bound to get messy.

Myles and Beckett had never seen their brother act like this. Butler was helping them eavesdrop into Artemis's room for once, most likely because he thought it was funny too. Juliet didn't bother hiding it, she was laughing, almost to the tears-out-of -her eyes-stage.

Once a month for the next year, Artemis had to go to Dr. Argons to make sure Atlantis wouldn't strike again. But that meant breaking a rule, and although rules are for breaking, rule thirteen was never meant to be broken, under any circumstances. Under the pain of death, imprisonment, or lollipops. That is why he went for the juvenile approach: Lock yourself in the bathroom, stack fireproof bricks up against the door, seal the door with duct tape, have lasers criss-crossing the ceiling, and bring enough tea to last a few droughts. And his computer.

Holly was responsible for bringing him down to Haven, and she was on a schedule. If she wasn't down in twenty minutes, she would miss Foaly on his lunch break, and she owed that centaur a black eye. He sent her a romance letter from "Artemis", but left carrot stains, a hoof print, and the return address on the letter. And he said he was a genius.

So that was why she was prepare with a jackhammer, a neutrino, and a flamethrower. Maybe there was a less violent solution, like ask him to come out, but violence wasn't always the answer. It was a question, and the answer is yes.

Surprisingly, after five minutes of firing at the door with her neutrino, Juliet came up with a solution. Holly, who did not want to be called fairmaiden ever again, quickly agreed.

"Holly is wearing a dress."

This he had to see.

He peeped the door open, just a crack, not enough to drag him out. Unfortunately, she was wearing a dress, but the crack was too little to see it. It was over her uniform, though.

"And she is holding a flamethrower to your suits.." Juliet called in a sing-song voice.

Artemis wasn't dumb, he knew it was a trap, to try to get him.

But he liked his suits.

"what made you hate psychologists' so much anyway?

Flashback

"No, doctor, I sent you an email, stating I would not be attending today."

"I don't have email, little boy."

"Just drag the file across the desktop, then."

*sound of a piece of paper moving, then entire desk toppling over sideways*

"I still don't see it, little boy."

"Please refrain from calling me a little boy"

"Aww..don't get so stressed. Would a lollipop take your mind off the situation?"

End flashback

"Look, I will send the footage of you having Atlantis Complex to Trouble if.."

She didn't get to finish. He was already out the door. "I'm coming."

…

Mulch and Doodah were eavesdropping in on the treatment. Holly had called to tell him what had happened at the manor, why and Artemis's rule twelve.

"I'm warning you doctor…"

"there is nothing wrong with examining your food choice"

"Think about how stupid that sounds doctor."

"I assure you, Master Fowl, that.."

"Doctor, please stop poking around my potatoes."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"I think I've heard that question before….It's not in standard psych texts Ah. I've heard it while my brothers were watching veggie tales, during what they term "Silly Songs." They are silly, and it's sad if a cartoon is where you get your inspiration to treat me, no matter how good the cartoon is.*

The doctor was about to yell something, when Mulch thought it was appropriate to burst in, and yell "Food !"

After the room had been plastered by all sorts of unidentified food, Artemis thought of rule thirteen.

…

Dr. Argon sat around the poker table with his psych groupies, and generally cheated each other by looking at the cards. The doctor put his cards behind a screen that was made for him by Foaly. After all, Artemis had gladly taught him rule thirteen.

…

kay, rule thirteen..Yeah, I'm sorry for the slow update, but I was at grandma's house today. I am open to propts, and I WILL get around to them all..but this one was planned out, so I decided not to use Starryowls or Youknowmes's prompts….

*I LOVE vceggietales, although I only view them a little bit, as I am a bit to old….ut I was referring to the silly song I love my lips, where Larry is in a psych office, and singing through the treatmets for his lips. Go watch it, you will laugh.


	14. rule 14

Ok…*dives behind bulletproof glass..

I'm sorry! It's not all my fault though for not updating! Our computer crashed, when we switched to AT&T, and I umm.. lost some stuff. When we finally got it working, I had to finish a report on communist china, and then tomorrow, I on vacation, so we have to pack. Sorry!

I still don't have a lot of real inspiration, so this might not be very good, I AM using suggestions, but twisting them a little, or saving them for later.

Disclaimer: Raise your hands if you think I own Artemis Fowl!

*Watches as evil lawyers raise hands trying to trick 2whitie into a lawsuit..

*Immediately shoots all the lawyers who raised their hands with a neutrino, then shoves the smoking gun into Paperclip chick's hand, and runs when the police come

Just a thought for those still reading this! Who actually reads my fic, Coming back for a new one? Because if no one is, I might think about having someone adopt or something, because I thought of a really cool idea to do, seeing as this will be a long term fic: What if during the Time Paradox, Root suspected something was wrong, and decided to investigate? Review or PM me!

…..

Rule Fourteen

Before you write it off as a coincidence, look for a conspiracy.

Artemis looked behind his shoulder for the third time in five minutes.

"Butler…" he said in a murmur.

His giant bodyguard looked up from his phone "Yes, Artemis?"

"That is the third person today to pass me wearing a red hoodie..in the summer."

Butler shrugged, although he suddenly looked slightly nervous "Lots of people like red hoodies."

Artemis sighed. "Rule Fourteen, Butler."

Butler did mental check through the list of rules. "I highly doubt there is a connection, and besides, there is no known mafia that kills people while they wear bright hoodies."

Artemis looked up in surprise. Usually, Butler noticed these kind of things before him, and did something before it even LOOKED dangerous. I mean, tranquilizing a girl that was slightly obsessed with having him go to the school dance with him was proof enough of that. Artemis hadn't relied she was following him, until a larger group of people were gathering around the girl, and Artemis had made a comment to Butler of who she was. After that, the manservant looked decidedly guilty.

Artemis decided to wait to interrogate him about it later.

Fowl Manor

Trouble Kelp looked nervous after he entered the manor's double doors.

"I swear he saw me! Why did we have to use the red hoodies? They stick out like a bruised finger!

"Bruised thumb, Trouble."

"Whatever"

"We had to use the hoodies, because the full moon was yesterday, and I don't want to waste any magic, the big rig I hijacked only had red hoodies, and diapers!"

Trouble rolled his eyes and set about helping his brother hang the can of green paint above the doors. Artemis's birthday was in a few days, and today was the only day tey could all make it above ground. Mulch had bribed Butler to distract Artemis, and the rest of them were hanging a banner in the hallway. Actually, only a few of them had actually come to with Artemis a happy birthday. Trouble had come to see his get plastered in green paint, some had come just to say they had been in Fowl manor and survived. he had dragged Grub up with him though, and there was now a betting pool going on to determine how many minutes they would be in Fowl manor, before Grub wet his pants.

Doodah looked out the window. "he's coming! He's coming!"

Every Fairy in the room, including Juliet, dived underneath a piece of furniture, and waited for the genius to enter the house.

"Butler, why are you so jumpy?"

"It's part of the job description, Artemis."

"No, you open the door, but don't go inside first, like you always do, you show little interest in figures that have been following us, and you seem extra jumpy. Spill."

"Why are you suddenly seeing conspiracy in everything?"

"It's kind of what I do, Butler." *

Butler rolled his eyes, the walked in, careful to avoid the tripline. Heck, he wasn't going to ruin HIS Armani tie, his Gucci shoes, and his airman gildo zanin suit. **

Artemis gave his a weird look. His thoughts were confirmed when he heard someone hiss "shut up you moron!" in Gnommish.

He poked his head in, and saw the barely visible tripline. He seemed to address an empty room.

"I'm not that stupid."

There was a mass "awwww" as Fairies crawled out of their hiding places. His eyebrows shot up. He wasn't expecting this many.

Trouble growled and tackled the Irish teen across the trip line, getting them both covered in paint. His LEP suit immediately get it off, but Artemis wasn't that lucky. He got to his feet and glared at Trouble.

"I hate you."

Trouble grinned. "That's what they all say."

Artemis was briefly confused. "Who says that?"

Holly and Juliet were in fits of laughter. "Pick a girl, any girl" said Holly in between breaths.

Artemis glared at her, trying to wipe the green paint from his hair. This was happening way too often. "Why?"

Holly grinned. "err.. Happy Birthday!"

Artemis quickly donned his vampire grin. "I think I need a birthday hug.." He ran at her, with every intent to rub all the green paint onto her uniform."

Holly grinned and ran right at him. This Artemis was not expecting. It made him pause for a second, and cursed at himself for not paying more attention to rule nine.

Holly grinned and threw herself at him, and did what he least expected her to do.

She kissed him. Full on the lips.

With half the LEP watching.

Artemis about had a heart attack.

Trouble DID faint

Grub immediately decided to complain to Foaly about the glasses he was wearing, because, according to him, they cause hallucinations.

Juliet took a photo

Artemis started returning the kiss

Half the LEP turned away like little kids

Chix made gagging noises

Mulch started thinking about wedding invitations

FOUR HOURS LATER

All the fowls were seated at the dinner table, and Artemis wasn't touching his dinner. Both Mr. and Mrs. Fowl noticed and asked him what was wrong.

Juliet got up, and whispered something in Mrs. Fowls ear, something along the lines of "Someone just got kissed by someone that wasn't related to him."

Artemis decided he wouldn't change his rule. It was a conspiracy.

…..

Juliet handed him a disk with the label written with a permanent marker and masking tape.

Before you write it off as a coincidence, look for a conspiracy.

He looked at it weird, then popped it in the drive. It started playing, and to his horrification, someone had found the tape from Rathdown park and the tape from earlier today, put it on loop, and wrote in cursive writing on the bottom of the screen _That doesn't look like a coincidence to me, Mud-Boy._

Knowing that Holly could not have put that kind of video together, he knew who did immediately.

Die. Foaly. Die

…

Ta-Da!

*bowtie starts to add the ba-dum kisshh on her drums, but fignewton stops her before she injures someone

PC: Yea! A/H!

Poptart *scrolls up* where?

2wh: points

Poptart: oh *starts dreaming fantasies of when SHE kisses fictional boys*

….

*That's from Storm breaker, the movie based off the first Alex Rider book

*SP? not sure, but that's from SWAK, and if you haven't seen that episode Shame on You!

*There is one other quote from SWAK, ill see if you can find it.


	15. rule 15

Before I give my excuses, I was reading an article with Eoin colfer giving away spoilers for the last book. If you have read it, you will know why I have been walking around in a blind rage. He has two possible endings for the series. The first one, if he goes along with it, nothing on this planet will make me forgive him. Anyone read the Gregor the Overlander series? I haven't. But the ending will be the exact same. RAGE. NEVER. The other one is he sacrifices something, because he has the choice of making a lot of money or helping someone, and he chooses to help someone. Much better. I wont type out the first possible ending, my finger are already shaking with rage.

willexplainbeforeyoukillme…

Not only was I on vacation, school started. And with school comes exams. and Homework. and all-nighters trying to get an essay, 90 math problems, and SS h-work finished. and the computer crashed, again. Sorry for not updating. I realized something. I get more reviews for writing lame A/H writing that I spend 20 minutes on, than the stuff it takes me an hour to write. Wow, Honor…reviews..honor..reviews..honor..reviews. ahh well. I have a question for all of you. Do you want me to keep on writing this one, and update constantly, or me not update as much, but start an Airman Fic, or a Alex Rider/NCIS crossover?

If ANYONE needs a good fic to read, try "The Artist and the Hunter" "Cause and Effect" "His Son's father" "A fowl sleepover " or for other fandoms "The Best friends" "A helping hand" "not all those who wander are lost" If you are the author of one of these…hope you like the advertising. PM me if you want the name taken down, although I can't imagine why….

Disclaimer: *flicks through If you give a mouse a cookie* *gestures toward it* well it says RIGHT here I don't own him….

Rule Fifteen: People who fill in the blanks, or let people fill in the blanks for them end up as Butlermeat

Holly tapped away at her keyboard. Paperwork was the worst killer in Haven, because everyone who did it was at risk at dying of boredom. She let her mouse slide toward her minimized game of spider solitare. At the last moment, she brought up her email. Mulch, her former PI partner had apparently stumbled across a book chock-full of chuck norris sayings, and found it amusing to send them to her, then proceed to explain to her why Butler would win. According to him, Butler taught Chuck Norris everything he knows. He had taken to warping around what people said and annoying them with it. He annoyed Artemis with just his shirt, before he even said anything, and that had to be a world record.

Flashback

Artemis looked at the grinning dwarf, before asking why the dwarf was grinning. Much like commander Root (R.I.P), when Mulch grinned that wide, someone else would not be grinning. He took one look at the shirt that mulch handed to him

It was yellow, with Gold lettering: Gold isn't power. Its shiny.

Mulch already had his own version of the shirt on.

"No."

End Flashback

After that, Mulch had been more careful about what he wore around Fowl Manor, but what Artemis approved of and what he did not turned out to be the least of his fashion career worries

She opened her email file, and there was a new one from Foaly, who, in the subject heading had lots of smiley icons (Something he picked up from N*1) and rule Fifteen, one of her personal favorites.

It was a video link, with the fairy equivalent of a QuickTime player. she upped the sound and her eyes got wider and wider as she watched.

ON THE PLAYER

Mulch, Artemis and Butler were stepping out of the Bentley, to a small bookstore that Artemis favored, They were about the enter when Butler heard a shot. It sounded a little odd, but with all th fancy guns Butler had heard (and fired himself) he did not care. His job was to protect Artemis. He threw the Fowl heir onto the ground. Mulch, who was oblivious to the situation, until Butler reached up and forced him down, didn't hear a darn thing. Too late. Butler hand was a split second too late to save Mulch. Well his shirt, that is.

The Blue shirt, that he had used crayola to make, with one of his favorite things Artemis had said, was ruined by lots of paintballs. He liked that shirt too. It said: At the risk of sounding clichéd, ive been expecting you.

Butler was now very angry. He knew it was just teenagers having fun, but still. They were probably laughing their heads off. As a matter of fact, they were.

Until the boy who fired the neon green shot dropped his canteen.

Now, his water bottle was formed like the army ones, so while it looked really cool on his backpack, it did not look cool when it dropped ten yards away from the now groaning Artemis.

To Artemis, he could see it was a water bottle, and decided to lift prints from it, and have Butler give the culprits a good head slap each. Probies.

Butler saw a grenade.

He grabbed it and threw it as far as possible, and in the same half-second, fired his tranquilizer in the direction that the grenade came from, the high bushes.

And as we all know, Butler is Butler, and Butler never misses. Ever.

Holly closed the link, and for once, could not think of a sarcastic remark to email to Foaly. Her email beeped agan, a three way chat box offer

Carrotsrox: Heheh. Don't think we didn't see that stunt by the bookstore mud man

Butler: I said sorry

Holly joined in now.

Shortred: You said sorry? really?

Butler: well..i thought it

Shortred: Nice

Carrotsrox: I thought that was a bit of an overreaction. Not everything is a conspiracy to your charge.

Butler: Think bout what you just said, and how many rules you are breaking by saying that.

They chatted a little while longer, in the time it took for Holly to email the video to Trouble, and For Foaly to place it on the internet.

Butler was the only one who didn't think it was funny.

Needless to say, he did find it funny when Holly dropped an apple painted green in the ops booth, and Foaly jumped like a little girl and hit the panic button.

Hope you liked it. If there are any misspellings, check the first paragraph of my authors note to see why. It's about book eight. Note: This was actually based off an idea that Paperclip chick said, and that Bowtie built off of, and I thought it might make a good story Thank Nerd Herd!I love you! (You know what I mean)


	16. rule 16

This chapter is dedicated to everyone who had a friend or relative die of Cancer

My Grandma Ash died of it yesterday morning, after beating it back twice before.

R.I.P

God Bless Everyone

THE SUMMARY FOR THE LAST BOOK CAME OUT IT ON FACEBOOK!LOLZ

*spoiler alert

his family gets involved

opal is back

HOLLY HAS A VERY HIGH CHANCE OF BEING HIS GIRLFRIEND!he has to stop himself from saying that, if you look really closely. No more spoilers. read the summary, (or watch it yourself)

Spoiler alert over

Ok. I understand this will be a long term project, *fifty one chapters* cough. I want tot write a crossover, so the options are below. Please review and tell me which one you want, it will be taken down when I feel I have enough votes. Go ahead and vote for more than one if you arnt sure.

Castaways of the flying dutchman/Alex Rider

Artemis Fowl /Castaways of the Flying Dutchman

Artemis Fowl/Newsies

Castaways of the flying dutchman/Artemis Fowl

NCIS/Artemis Fowl

Half moon investigations/Artemis Fowl

Half moon investigations/Alex Rider

Any three-way crossover combination of the above

Yeah, lotta options. So that's why I said you vote for more than one. I absolutely refuse to do any kind of gay pairings. Not so worried about that with Artemis Fowl, but if you look in the AR archive or the Newsies archive, it makes up about three-fourths of the stories. Okay, more newsies than anything. But still. I AM however open to write something with little bit of romance, although for Arty, I only write A/H. But anything else, I would be cool with that. And for the Half Moon fans, tell me if you want me to use Mia Stone. (She was from the TV series, but not the book. The TV series was a continuation of the book, mostly)

AND to top it off, a friend of mine liked the idea of a rules fic, so she started a new series, Cahill Rules, for fans of the 39 clues. her name is paperclip chick, so you can check it out, I hope to possibly collaborate on later chapters..:)

Annnnnnnnnd last but not least, I am paying attention to reviews, even if I don't always respond. I may, just may, be getting back at Foaly soon, for the reviewer that suggested it.

Rule sixteen

You can't kill stupid, just injure proud people

Artemis rolled his eyes, something very out of character for him. It was almost teenagerish. But he had good reason.

His brothers signed up for a play, and they had somehow talked him into helping them learn their lines. Normally he would never agree, but he was in a meeting he REALLY didn't want to be at. In the beginning, it was fine, but it all went downhill after someone presented their new invention. Another scientist had made a quip about it being very futuristic., then, along with the future technology joke, someone confused Yoda with Spock. Artemis had just tuned out at this point. Myles had them poked his head in and asked him to help him with his lines. Artemis, who was about to resort to tetris, agreed.

He did not agree now.

Too late! *This is a future fic, Myles and Beckett are seven years old*

Myles and Beckett decided that for extra credit in their advanced classes, they would invite their friends over to work on a play about culture in India. They wrote it all out, with the wackiest names Artemis had ever heard. Also, Myles had somehow made it happen that the entire group were girls.

"Okay, Em-I mean, Gupta. Girl with the Beard. You stand over here, and enter and say your name. Why you say your name, make a Saturday night fever pose or something. Yeah, like that."

She must really think he was cute.

"Right, Geita. You will be sitting here with the family. Chandracantra, you will be the daughter."

Beckett already had his hold on the names.

Myles and Becket were going to be Vishnu and Rageiv. Don't ask.

At this point, Artemis left. He had no desire to watch one of the girls do the turkey trot again. Myles had asked her what she did best. He meant for the play.

"Dance?"

she surprised him actually. She was very aware of India's history, but she had a song on her phone that would not stop going off. She proudly announced it as "Fear", and Artemis wasn't sure why she was so proud.

As, mentioned before, he left.

Now he wished he hadn't.

If he hadn't, he might of developed a few conditions with his hearing, and had a few "Accidental" mucle spasms, but he wouldn't be in the principal's office with his parents, going over what had gone on in the classroom.

They were halfway through going over how people traditionally dated in India. Sometimes there were arranged marriages, and there was music with a strong beat, and dancing*. Myles and Beckett apparently had the bright idea of dancing to "I like to move it." That was not the bad news. The bad news was, to make sure all the presentations were finished by the end of the hour, they were moved to the science room. With all their props.

Chemicals apparently don't always work together well with other chemicals. Some atoms get depressed, and some are like the energizer bunny atoms, and when they mix, the hyper ones try to make up for the sad ones instead to doing anything about it. the depressed atoms get p***** off. Everyone gets so agitated then something blows up. Well, that's what happened.

Really, Stuffing down your lunch, down your "Volcano" isn't the greatest idea. It would have made the room smell bad, but then dancingirl got so excited, the shelf somehow got broken, dropped a few chemicals in the volcano, and the volcano made like st. Helens.

Turns out that the play was ended early, and they were all frog marched down to the principal's office to find out who lunch it was. Nobody was owning up, although the principal automatically thought it was Myles and Beckett. After all, he was Principal when Artemis was their age, and he blew up a lot more than the top of a roof.

"You could have killed someone!"

Beckett shook his head sagely. "Rule sixteen" This was more polite then what he thought. he WAS thinking .

"Mrs. Fiona was so scared she had to be taken to the nurses office. Her shelves may be ruined.

Myles was thinking two things. Why did it matter where she was taken, and if anyone caught her reaction on video.

Beckett winced. He was obviously the more heartfelt of the two. "Rule sixteen?"

Artemis interfered at this point. " You can't kill stupid, just injure proud people."

…..

Holly thought rule sixteen applied to her life a lot more than some of the other rules. It was one of the ones she write out, and framed in her cubicle. Trouble argued with it, saying it went against one of HIS rules, but he lost the argument. It reminded her of an assignment she went on, Pre-Artemis fowl era…

"Idiot" muttered corporal Short. She was stuck to Traffic, again. Her partner, Chix, was waist deep in a bucket of swear toads, trying to look brave, not move a muscle, and wink at Holly all at the same time. He was very proud of his new hairdo, and was so bust adjusting it that he tripped into said barrel. Face first. He jerked out fast enough, but only his face. The toads bit until he was in the position he was in. She growled, then set her neutrino to well-done. He knew what she was doing, and jumped out the minute she fired at the barrel. she jumped a little too high, and it burned the bottom of a pillar.

Said pillar started to fall.

Normally this would have put Chix in the hospital, but Holly pushed him out of the way at the las second. The grate on the side, though, gave him a nice bruise.

You just couldn't kill stupid.

Yeah, I know, didn't get around to getting revenge on Foaly for the chapter 14 stunt. I'm working on it..I'm working on it.. Remember to vote! The more votes I get, the faster I start writing. I don't know how to set up a poll, so just vote in a reviews. I honestly don't care if you just vote and don't review.

*If this is wrong, I did this exact project. This is what my research project said. If you live in India, just PM me if this highly offends you. I know this isnt all of India, but hey, blame my SS teacher.


	17. rule seventeen

The poll is still going on!

**Castaways of the Flying Dutchman/Artemis Fowl**

**Castaways of the Flying Dutchman/Alex Rider**

**Alex Rider/Artemis Fowl**

**Castaways/AR/AF in the AF/Castaways archive, just to be a rebel**

**Artemis Fowl/Newsies**

**Half-Moon Investigations /Artemis Fowl**

**Half-Moon Investigations/Alex Rider**

**Artemis fowl/Airman**

**Artemis Fowl/NCIS**

**The faster people vote, the faster I write it. When I get nine votes ALTOGETHER, I will begin writing it. You can vote for more than one, just tell me in a review. I don't care if you don't review but just leave your vote. I accept anonymous reviews, so there is no excuse. I have 1 vote for AF/NCIS and another or half-moon and alex rider.**

**Enjoy **

Rule Seventeen

There's always a catch. You only notice it when it doesn't benefit you

Artemis sat back. He often wondered about what would have happened had himself and Holly Short not stopped his younger self from selling the lemur to Kronski. Would the Extintionists still be finished? Maybe his father would have reverted back to his criminal ways in order to stop them. The catch to saving JJ was almost losing Holly. Every alteration in every plan had a catch. Not knowing what would have happened was one of them. Maybe if he had never messed with the C-Cube he might have somehow been sucked into the Koboi mess earlier and been there to save the commander. Just thinking that made him want to vomit.

He called Foaly and told him so.

"Artemis Fowl. Nobody could have saved him. Ive had to repeat that to Holly a million times. Every time she gets drunk, she calls to talk/cry about it. Makes me want to blub too, and then lose face with my techies. No matter. " He said it with a light tone, but Artemis noted something. he said it with more anger than sadness. Angry at himself.

Artemis started to reply, but a thought struck Foaly.

"Artemis, are you drunk?"

Artemis didn't know what to say. He had never touched alcohol, except at the end of the fowl manor siege. And THAT was more tranquilizer than champagne. However, he was sure if that ddidnt change in the next two years, his Irish citizenship would be revoked.

"….It may be possible that alcohol has permeated by body in the last hour", he slurred for effect."

Lies. All Lies.

"ARTEMIS!"

"Not to worry Foaly. I was ahh..how should I say this..pulling your tail?"

Foaly snorted his disapproval on the other end.

Then Artemis thought of something.

"Were you worried about me?"

"NO. I was dreading to think about what a drunk Fowl could do to the population."

Artemis was miffed. "Nice to see you think of me so highly."

He heard a white hot muffling sound that he knew was the flares, and the connnectionw was broken.

Trouble was sitting next to Foaly as he hung up.

"What's your relationship with the Fowl Kid. Off the record. Friend? Enemy? Partner? Little Brat?

"Friend and partner. He was a good enough friend to call me, not Holly. His social alls are more frequent with her than me, but calling her to talk about Root would be cruel. Talking about it would probably give her Atlantis Complex."

Trouble gave him a look. "Foaly… You only get that if you are a reformed criminal."

Foaly twitched at a memory. "You weren't there during the tadpole thing. And the cake walk that followed.

Trouble was curious. "What tadpole thing?"

Foaly had already turned back to his security measures though. He had labeled Artemis as a good friend. Friends sent you cookies on your birthday. Good friends sent you exploding devices wrapped in tinfoil.

Corporal Newt rolled his eyes and tried to stuff a binky in his daughters mouth. He liked the idea of living on the outskirts of Haven City. So did Qwan. where Qwan was No1 was. He threw himself on the floor as a blue burst of lighting shattered the window. He heard a muffled "Sorry!" Before Qwans roof blew out.

Two days later, a window arrived with a note tucked in the frame from his insurance company.

Rule Seventeen.

What in fronds name was that supposed to mean?

…

A/N this might not show up right, as my formatting was really messed up, and I'm working on fixing it.

CBFANO readers: I will be re-writing it.

Contact recon readers; A new chapter will be up, I promise! I have to write these in class, so not having reference is slowing me down

I have the first 2 chapters of an AF/newsies crossover written, so tell me if you want that. I also have a vague plot forming for and Half moon investigations crossover, but voting is up to you.


	18. rule 18

The poll is still going on…

**Castaways of the Flying Dutchman/Artemis Fowl**

**Castaways of the Flying Dutchman/Alex Rider**

**Alex Rider/Artemis Fowl**

**Castaways/AR/AF in the AF/Castaways archive, just to be a rebel**

**Artemis Fowl/Newsies: 1**

**Half-Moon Investigations /Artemis Fowl: 1**

**Half-Moon Investigations/Alex Rider: 1**

**Artemis fowl/Airman**

**Artemis Fowl/NCIS: 3 **

**Im resopding to reviews, after not responding for a while. **

**ArtyHolly Foeva: Yeah! Smileys! Thanks for picking out you favorite parts, now I know what exact parts are better than others. Thank you for feeling a litle sympathy for me on the plunger thing. Nobody is apprently ever going to forget that. **

**Saberstorm: Hearts. **

**Yarra: **** glad I made u smile. I try. I'm not a funny person in real life, so I try to infuse humor in my writing. **

**Aurox the Lander: I'll try sending another links u might need via PM **

**BlackFalcon56: Dude. Stop reviewing. get off , and back onto Backyard Monsters, and stay there, and stop playing mind games. and stop being so touchy with the Wii. It is ok to lose. don't bite my head off. (To all you horrified readers, this is my brother)**

**Paperclip chick: Thanks 4 the button on FB. Lol. Butler would beat Chuck Norris. *Knows Ms. Jingles isnt on the site and snickers* **

**TheOKgirlie: Veggie tales rocks! I love the song of the cebu. Im going to the movie store soon, so I might get to see get smart. **

**FenrirSS: thanks. *says in awwww.. voice* **

**To reviewers who I don't remember: I will be using a twisted version of the suggestion for rule 20, never mention experiments to guests. I will also be using a slightly twisted version of the rule that some1 dreamed up. Hehehehehehheheheheheheheh. I will aslo use the spin off for the rule about Holly Following you. I promise. Cyber cookies to all the suggestions! **

Rule Eighteen.

There is no need to ask permission. Just don't get caught.

Artemis gave Foaly the **look. **Foaly knew the one. If Artemis gave him the _look _than it meant "If you try that, I will be murdered by a pair of rabid chameleons in my sleep, so lets not do that." If he gave him the LOOK, that meant "Let's do it, but let's blame Mulch when Holly catches us." This time he was giving Foaly the **look **which meant "This sounds really childish so I will make a plan that makes it sound like something grown-ups would do, and I know I wont get in trouble, you will."

At least, that was how Foaly categorized it.

"Are you sure?"*

Tomorrow was Mulch's birthday, so Foaly needed to get Artemis belowground to "Decorate" his house. Unfortunately, the Council didn't like Foaly enough to hand a pass to Fowl for "no good reason". That wasn't what they said, but Foaly knew that was what they would say, so better just not ask. He and Fowl were brainstorming reasons to get him belowground. Artemis just wanted to see it close up, when it wasn't being totaled by goblins. That, and Mulch deserved a special birthday celebration. Suddenly a plan hit Artemis like a lightning bolt striking an electric fence hooked up to city's main generator.

"Listen up."

Foaly leaned in, and as he listened to the plan, a very Artemis like smirk came over his features.

(just for the record, it looked odd. Foaly looked like the Genie from Aladdin if the genie from Aladdin ever went to war with the big foot from Monty Python. Nose crinkling up, evil smile, evil grin of arrogance. I mean, five little piggies vs. the genie, the genies going to win. Right . back on topic. [If you didn't get the five little pigs thing, then your toes never got "tickled" as a kid. i.e. dislodged.)]

"Yeah, we'll need Holly's help."

Holly came in slowly and sadly past the checkpoint officer.

The checkpoint officer noticed her expression and bowed his head in sympathy.

"Down in the line of fire?"

Holly smiled a sad little smile and nodded.

"Something like that, and pushed the body bag into the shuttle heading to Haven city. Unfortunately, it was filled with tourists.

Once she sat down, the body bag spoke.

"It's hot in here."

"Shut it. You're dead." She hissed though her teeth.

"Right."

she rolled her eys, then looked at the family staring at her.

"What? You got a problem with zombies?"

They just looked away. Maybe craziness was contagious!

She wheeled the body bag to Mulch's apartment, opened the door after checking to make sure Mulch wasn't home, then unzipped the bag. Artemis blinked, then slowly sat up, getting used to the light.

Holly huffed and overturned the "dead body" trolley.

Artemis crashed to the ground in a tangle of limbs, scowled at Holly, then began smoothing his hair out.

"Well?" he asked.

Foaly trotted in. He saw Artemis, then grinned. (This time, it was not the Aladdin-foot-piggie theory-grin)

"How was the trip?"

Artemis shot him the LOOK. (die.)

"How will your journey be when I kick you to Timbuktu?"

Foaly held his hands up. "Hey, it was your idea."

Artemis waved his finger. "Minor detail. It may just slip my memory."

Holly shoved them both apart."Do your male-bonding thing on your own time. Artemis needs to be on the next shuttle to the surface."

Artemis raised an eyebrow, Foaly decided that the pretzel he had for lunch had too much salt, and Holly got the **look **in her eye.

And in answer to Artemis unspoken question, she pulled out a can of air freshener.

….

Mulch walked home with a self-bought birthday cookie in his hands. Holly and Foaly, not even Artemis had called. He was feeling a little depressed. He walked into his apartment and noticed something was wrong.

1. the apartment was clean

2. the smell didn't pass for knockout gas

3. there were three present on the counter

He dropped his cookie in shock.

Now that's a shock.

Suddenly three people were screaming "SURPRISE!HAAAPPPYY BIRTHDAY!"

Well, two people were screaming. Artemis was just grinning and doing jazz hands.

Someone knocked on the door. Mulch, to excited to check who it was, reached back and opened it.

You see, the Council got a mysterious tip that Artemis Fowl was belowground from a family who complained that their son was suddenly addicted to the Thriller video. The complained about a Recon officer starting it, and the Council found out that Artemis was missing from Fowl Manor. Two and Two make Three. It normally makes four, but a reasonable course of action would be to do what they always did, reassure their family that they would look into it, then eat a jelly donut. The one time they do their job, they stumbled to the stupidest conclusion(The right one) and come knocking on Mulch's door.

Holly realized who it was before the door was fully open. Council member Lope. Nobody else was that fa-ah-fluffy.

She threw herself onto Artemis to hide him, throwing him to the floor, and he scrambled out of view, leaving Holly on the floor.

Mulch helped Holly up, while the council member looked at her curiously.

"What was that, Captain?"

Holly rubbed the back of her neck, while Foaly "Explained".

"Oh. That Council member. I made a new gadget, and it, um, increase the mass of air molecules on the floor, and she, um tripped on air molecules, and fell sir.

Lope blinked. Techie jargon

He suddenly forgot what was there for.

"That's nice. Good to know what our money is going to, Foaly, in your department. Good day."

Foaly breathed a sigh of relief, and before the door closed, Artemis was snickering.

"Tripped on air molecules? Really?"

Foaly shrugged. "Rule eighteen."

...

Myles and Beckett liked Scrabble. Myles, Beckett and their Father were playing,

Myles narrowed his eyes. "I spelled "tames" and then "Patriot"

His father just looked at him. "Yeah…."

Beckett looked squeamish

Myles raised his eyebrows. "There are only four S's. Beckett just added S to make "Patriot". Four were already on the board. "Tames" is now "Tame".

Beckett just looked blankly at him. "What?"

Myles headessked, causing all the pieces to move.

Artemis Sr pretended to look upset. "Hey! I was winning!"

Myles shrugged. "Guess the game will have to restart."

As they cleared the board, Myles leaned over and whispered in Beckett's ear. "Rule 18"

….

I won't be able to update as much. I will still write the same, but the update won't be as fast. I have an NAL team, dance team, grades, a birthday, family issues, and fitness club to worry about. Not to mention updating my other stuff. The updates will just be longer, like, longer rules, or two rule at a time.

For the people who didn't read the authors note, three of the suggested rule I will be using, in the place suggested, the closest being rule 20.

Vote!

*This was originally going to go into my Contact Recon story, but I have a really long chapter coming, but I really liked it, and I figured it might go better in a humor story.


	19. rule 19

**Yeah. I know, slow update, and I felt realy bad, because I got more reviews last chapter than ever before. But I had a lot of makeup work to do, and tests, and a program to write for a teacher's library, so Nottie my Faultie. Besides, my Birthday is coming up, with a few more things, so be nice and leave me a birthday present, as I most likely wont be able to update until my birthday. **

**Paperclip Chick: heeeyyy! Nah, it was not a nerd her worthy plan. It involved no trip to Mexico lolz. Just don't tell Jingles and I don't have to write my gravestone heading. See you at school, Mrs. Stewart is almost set up, so I will be seeing you at recess! *cheers and does little dance* BYW, I don't want to come to school on my B-Day with a plunger in my locker. That would be hard to explain away. **

**ArtfullyInsane: Nice username btw. *grins. Couldn't resist. **

**Yarra: Me too. I need to try it out sometime, well…more than I already do **

**ArtyHally Foeva: Me too! Thanks for reviweing. Reviews make my heart smile. Thanks for telling me which bits you liked, so I can put more of those bits in. **

**TehTrollArmy: …well then. You have friends in high places. **

Rule Nineteen

Wherever you take Holly Short, whether it be babysitting or saving the world, take hand grenades. It's better safe than sorry. ( A spin-off of the rule suggested by IJustCant Choose. Btw, the rule suggested by YouKnowme will be next. then I have a crazy idea for rule twenty one.)

Butler had strange advice to give to his young charge. Most friends would tell their best friend exactly how to ask a girl out without being chopped into tiny pieces then zapped by the cord of an errant microwave. Advice that while, was often wrong, satisfied them and they went and tried it out, realized how fool hardy it was, then tried again. The advice Butler had for Artemis was often advice that stuck with him, and was useful in knowing if you were a Mossad Operative on the run from bosses who tried to frame you. Or, in his case, a boy who ran around the world with fairies with nuclear technology and jumped into atom-wrenching time tunnels on a good day. On piece of advice was something that was even taught, unofficially at the middle school level, not that Butler would ever tell Artemis that.

Close only counts in Horseshoes and hand grenades.

Artemis had put that in his original set of rules, but when Captain Holly Short entered his life, he altered the rule a little. After all, he had no intention of ever thinking that a simple meeting with the elf would have tea and cookies as the most exciting part of the meeting. Unless the cookies shrunk you, and the Tea gave you the power to fly. Even then, it wouldn't be every exciting compared to what would happen next. (I.E. Governments being overthrown, aliens being called to earth, Cookie Monster becoming lactose intolerant, etc.)

Long Story short, nobody wanted a midget, flying Artemis Fowl with magical powers and a complete disrespect for Seseme Street ever taking its roots in civilization.

Actually, this rule was going against itself. This time, He was not dragging Holly anywhere. This time, Holly dragged two kids to HIM.

He still reading the Grenades though, ready to pop at a moment's notice.

Tara had been shut down after Foaly realized his aluminum hat was missing, he thought it had been dissolved by Human Rays, because Humans were invading. he had hit the panic button, shutting down all shuttle ports and shutting down Haven City.

After a quick-check of the evidence (and a quick check of the outdoor toilet, in which he found bits of Tinfoil in his..passing's…) he concluded that the hat had not dissolved. It had slipped into his jelly donut and had been consumed. he was currently getting chewed out by the Council for that.

It didn't change the facts though. There were fairy kids stuck above ground, whose parents were backed up in immigration, and with the lockdown in place, there was no place for them to go, all the extra bunks in Tara had been reserved far in advance. Holly groaned, this is why she would never want to be transferred from Recon, even if it meant seeing the moon more.

Stupid Kids.

It was a pity they couldn't just be kicked and shut up, like cats.*

Artemis looked at the five kids that Holly held in her arms.

"No."

Holly breifly reached for her handgun, but then had to shove the fairy equivalent of a binky in a toddlers mouth and started to scowl at Artemis.

Two minutes later she was in.

*That's a new record*

Butler walked in on Artemis, wondering where he was and what he wanted for dinner, and he found him holding a baby elf, holding it like he used to hold Myles when Myles sniffed something in his lab and passed out. Head against the shoulder, and supporting it's back.

He started to ask.

"-Artemi-"

"Holly."

There was a silence.

"Since when does Holly have a kid, Artemis?"

Actually, there was a more inappropriate version of that question going on in his head, but let's keep it G people.

"She doesn't, Butler. It's all Foaly's fault for trapping these babies aboveground."

His tone was a snappier tone than the one he normally used.

Butler backed out slowly.

In fairness, this kid was actually the hardest kid to take care of. The other kids, bar one already knew the rhyme that taught fairy-kids to sit still if ever near a human. It was almost like a creepy movie scene, where the scary dolls just ..LOOK..at you, with the crazed I-kill-people-while-eating-my-frosted-Flakes-look. That's kind of how these kids looked.

They sat down, frozen, their eyes wide open and following Artemis around the room like a creepy painting. Holly was carrying the other a baby too weak to sit up on its own, and was regretting not choosing the other baby. Artemis had chosen the baby that didn't have a wide grin on it's face. Holly had thought a more playful one would be more fun. Apparently not.

Apparently the reason the sprite was so happy was it was about to go on a "burping" spree.

and it's parent shad fed it PEA baby food.

PEA.

Luckily, her LEP suit automatically ran a positive and negative shock through her suit, and it slid onto Artemis's carpet. Well, she thought all that burp had gotten onto his carpet, until she realized a previously blond baby was now a lime-green haired baby, who was to scared to scream.

He burst out crying instead, and the kid must have had 4 million decibel lungs, because twenty years later, on the exact moment the kid started screaming, the now 35 year old Artemis would still rub his ears.

This set off all the other kids crying, and Artemis et the kid down on the chair, then on second though moved him to the piano bench. Then on third thought, moved him to Beckett's bed. He opened the door to the laundry room and started dragging the kids in, moving slower that the tortoises from Hoodwinked. If he had a choice to switch places with the guy from the Hangover, and be in a car with a tiger that was waking up with a tranquilizer (come to think about it, he'd been in that situation before…but never in a car) and being where he was right now, he would take a teed-off pussy cat any day.

Twenty minutes later, all the kids had been dragged into the laundry room. Holly had looked scandalized at first, then after three minutes, she was dragging them in faster than him. He stumbled over to a chair, realized that was where he had put the baby momentarily, but hey, he wasn't taking chances, stumbled over to another chair and halfway collapsed.

Butler was watching from the stairs.

Reminded him of Myles and Beckett.

He made a mental note to NEVER allow Artemis to have kids. Ever. even if it meant not continuing the Fowl line. The safety of the world was more important than creating miniature heirs.

Suddenly everything was dead silent. Artemis looked up and saw Holly about ready to kick the door open in panic. Black started eating at the corners of his eyesight. he was going to bed early.

He heard a high, evil laugh.

He went other the other side of the door, and glanced into Holly's eyes, the same colors as his. This threw him off for a moment, even though he had seen them a number of times before. She nodded, and roundhouse kicked the door down.

The door was rather pathetic, and just fell without ant assassins on the other side. The kids were all gathered around a large container…oh no.

"D'arvit" breathed Artemis.

Holly just looked him. "What?"

Artemis's eyes looked like sunny side up eggs that a lid had poked the yokes so everything came pouring out. In this case, panic.

"During the Fowl Manor..eh..siege.."

Holly looked at him. "Yeah?"

Artemis winced. "The ventilation sucked some of the Bio-bombs..aftermath and stored it once it realized it was harmful.." He them pointed to the can, which looked fine, but one of the kids had started messing with it.

Holly leaped over a pipe to stop him, but it was too late. The top came off.

Artemis had minutes to make a decision.

1. Die

2. Scream and Die

3. Die silently and nobly

4. Run like Heck

5. Use one of the nearby pipes to bash the kid who opened the can over the head

6. Activate Rule Nineteen.

He went with option six. He yelled "Rule Nineteen!" So Holly could hear him, and reached inside his hidden box inside the laundry room, hidden in a secret compartment inside Juliet's old Bob the Builder lunchbox, and drew out two little grenades.

He threw one at the kids, and Holly gasped.

Well, it wasn't technically a grenade, it was a sleeping gas capsule.

He was NOT listening to that screaming again.

Death before eardrums apparently.

THEN he threw the second one, (a REAL grenade) onto the roof to collapse around the bio-bomb fumes to stop them escaping temporarily.

He grabbed the nearest kid and threw him out the door, then Holly followed siut, throwing kids lie they had never thrown before. If the President of the United States had mixed up the beseball-with-the-baby-thing* and thrown the baby instaed of the ball, they would not have skidded farther away, or snored louder.

So much for preserving eardrums.

At the last few seconds left, he grabbed Holy and they threw themselves out of the room and put their hands over the necks and dived, while the thankfully detached Laundry room caved in, and Beckett's stupid pink shirt he insisted on wearing was covered in exploding lint, Tide, fluffy towels that went boom in the line of duty, and a washing machine that shot upwards for a brief moment before getting slammed back into the ground by physics, leaving some pants inside that would never get dewrinkled.

Artemis and Holly laid in a tangle of limbs, surrounded by sleeping babies. Butler had seen what had been going on, he scooted the babies out of danger, and then realized Artemis and Holly weren't out of the blast radius and had tossed them down the hall, and was running up to check vitals.

Artemis blinked, letting the sunlight get to him. He coughed out "Rule nineteen" before passing out.

Holly was working to disentangle herself from him, realizing how awkward the position was.

It was at that moment Commander Kelp threw open the doors with a squad behind him to reclaim the babies. He had already had enough conversations with angry mothers, he did not need more stress.

"Yes Maam, we know, where you kid is…"

"Yes, he is at Fowl Manor"

"…..Yes, am almost certain he hasn't been brutally murdered"

"No."

"Yes, I'll see personally he's all right."

"No, that is a bad idea"

"Yes, I'm single..what kind of a question is that?"

He opened the door, and Holly had enough energy to give him a thumbs up , although she was covered partially by Fowl, before she passed out.

Trouble looked up, drinking in the scene, then looked up at Butler.

"Don't look at me. I wasn't the one who made up the rules."

Trouble pressed a palm into his hand.

" This is a lawsuit waiting to happen."

YAY!Longest chapter yet! Yeah, I wont be able to update toll my birthday is over, but I will keep writing, I promise. The poll is still on, so just check on the earlier chapters to see what is available.

*In no way do I condon animal abuse, but the back cats in our nieghbor hood killed off everything else, so the kids squirt them with water guns.


	20. rule 2o

Yeah, about updating…..

Im going to have to put ALL my stuff on Hiatus for a little bit. Im not giving up, not by a long shot, in fact I have a lot of ideas. School comes before FanFiction, and I have 2 essays due in English, DCA's coming soon in Math, two essays due in Chem., THREE essays and a test in American History. Until it all blows over, im swamped. I do take suggestions but im in a bit of a rush to even post this, so I cant respond to reviews like normal, but a special thanks to Tech17, who reminded me to update by flooding my inbox with reviews for this. And to iesonth, for FINALLY updating the Artist and the Hunter. And a special aplogy to Fig Newton, who I gave food poisoning. Again.

This is a rule that was suggested, and that I really wanted to write. Thanks ,YouknowMe!

Rule Twenty:

Never, Ever Mention your experiments, especially to guests

Myles looked quizzically at Beckett.

"Why not?"

Beckett let out a long-suppressed sigh.

"'cause, simpleton, I don't want to start the next plague. I want to remembered for being the first person to animate beanie-babies, or riding the party-ponies*, or something awesome like recruiting the next Chuck Norris. Or at the very least, be the first Irishman to be allergic to alcohol. Because if I get drunk, I probably do something that gets me in the newspaper, that won't be cool, like being recruited to be a mini-bond. Something like that."

Myles's brain about shut down right there and then. Myles Fowl: Death by Beckett Overload. This thought was not even thought in a sarcastic sense. There were worse, more embarrassing ways to die. The old lady who lived in a shoe could choke on air freshener.

"One. It wont start the plague. I'm not Big Brother. Beanie babies, if they came to life, would kill us ALL. By self-destructing in our beds. The Party Ponies wont be coming, believe me. There is No "second Chuck Norris. And don't play the "butler" card. Lastly, what is the point of being a secret agent if everyone who reads a paper knows about you?"

Beckett thought about that. "Whatever."

Myles smiled, a little bit. "Please?"

Myles was baking cupcakes for his class. Mother was out for a few days with Juliet, Butler was off somewhere with Artemis, last heard muttering about "that Tinkerbelle trouble should be able to take of himself". Mr Fowl was even worse than Artemis about cooking. So he asked the only other person in the house for help: Beckett.

"Fine."

A smile crept over Myles's face. "Excellent." He hadn't got the vampire smile down yet, so his face looked like what Frankenstein's face when a dead guy jumped up and yelled out his first words to the world. Or when bad guy looks like right before he realizes random attackers are hanging from hoverboards all around him, with rifles pointed at his head. (said bad guy being blind as a bat. The "rifles" were silly string cans. The hover boards were in fact, a bent piece of the gutter that had bent outwards, so everyone could hang from it. And said man wasn't really a super bad guy: he just let his annoying, fluffy dog poo in everyone's yard. With a smile on his face.)

Ten minutes later….

Myles frowned. "The batters too watered down."

Beckett shrugged. "The glues in the craft bin. Might thicken it out."

It was too thin, because they had played by the rules on the back of the box, then "went all Bobby Flay" on the cupcakes and added pop, hot cocoa, and orange juice. Myles only comment to Becketts "Things to add" list?

"You "Flayed" it all right. Whipped, creamed, it, and pulverized it into the ground."

Beckett looked up the words in the dictionary, then he forgot he was going to say. Something along the lines of "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" Brilliant.

Myles looked at him hard. "No."

Beckett shrugged, then when Myles back was turned, tossed in a cucumber, jolly ranchers, and coffee beans. And a lollipop stick. And a few things with no cover.

You never knew.

Finally the mixture was done, although Myles kept giving it suspicious looks. Well, he did that, eve since; Butler had told him about a sandwich Artemis once made. Beckett seemed to have inherited his cooking skills. Myles wouldn't have needed his help, except to reach stuff. Beckett handled that problem using a pogo stick.

To his amazement, they came out looking normal.

They weren't normal, something he found out AFTER the federal Food and Health service showed up at the Manor. There had been severe cases of food poisoning at the school.

One last cupcake had been taken into evidence. They was a lot of papers that had been returned from the forensic lab on it. One worker was still in the hospital, he had delivered the package, and while opening his mail truck, they all fell on him. All those sheets of paper. The workers only comment was that there were, again worse ways to go. You could be Percy Jackson, and die drowning. Or after dying, you could be Mr. T and be pitied.

The inspector was still talking to Mr. and Mrs. Fowl.

"Do you have any other someone who delve into experiments?'

Suddenly the window was blown off its hinges, and Artemis Fowl Jr. was being pushed into it, and was being pushed though the house, as if gripped by an invisible force. The Inspector waited till he was out of view. He blinked.

"Ill take that as a yes."

Beckett felt he should say something smart to salvage the situation and look less of a madman.

Something philosophical.

"Umm..is the glass half empty or half full?"

Myles decided that he didn't care one way or the other. Who cared? If you studying the glass that carefully, you were a really nice person. He would be interrogating everyone, deciding who drank half of his glass.

Suddenly the remaining glass from the window broke, and Foaly broke in, yelling.  
>"USE THE REVERSE FOWL!" he chase the fact of destruction that had followed the Fowl heir. Followed by half the LEP of course. (There had been an incident at Tara.)<p>

There was silence.

"Party Pony?"*

Myles jumped to his feet. "Centaur…"

Beckett reached under the couch and brought out something resembling a gun.

"What is that?"

"It resembles what I threw in the cupcakes. Figured it might do something good, if he can give every suspicious visitor food poisoning."

Myles elbowed him. "Rule 20" he hissed.

Artemis was being held by two uniformed fairies to his staring family. He had been gone most of the morning. He managed to look up.

"You are not going to be cooking for MY wedding."

That said, he passed out.

Then, like an afterthought, he gained councioness for a brief moment.

"it was and experiment."

The two fairies holding him, dropped his as he passed out again.

"Rule twenty" the bellowed to his deaf ears.

*Party Ponies, from the PJO series. Centaurs who save the day with afros, splat guns, and general drunkenness. In a word, not Foaly.

P.S: the mind wip teams that came in 30 seconds also took the rule with them. Shame.

Yeah, like I said, right now im rushed, Back to science, sorry for the general unfunnieness of this one. I saw young franenstien. Love the part.."He was my BOYFRIEND!" then I saw crocodile Dundee 2, then went to a church lock-in. I am now operagting on no sleep.


	21. rule 21

**Yeah, I posted a chapter 21 in the middle of writing a term paper. A term paper. So what passed for good then, was terrible. I finished my term paper, then read it again, then felt ashamed for exposing the world to anything so horrific. Virtual Cookies,-no Virtual raided little Debbie trucks to anyone who had to suffer that chapter. On, another note, before I for get, im not responding to reviewers, but since I still have 4 more term papers due, I feel I must give thanks where thanks is due. **

**Reviers: Motivating Me. Nerd Herd; Coming up with so many of the situations I write about. Crowlows19: for coming up with an idea of having connected one-shots in this way. The story the Best Friends, in the AR archive, makes this story look pitiful. Eoin Colder for coming up with the characters and bellisario for coming up with the NCIS aspect. Btw, I will be using all the funny jokes from the deleted bit, because there were some biits I actually liked…so you may see a few repeats. You will see a couple repats. Probably the deaf people joke, the shape joke, and the judge bit.**

Rule 21: Don't choke if you bite off more than you can chew.

Captain Holly Short looked around nervously. Her partner, Mulch Diggums was picking the lock to see if he could break into a law office to get some law forms, and she was keeping lookout, with a cap pulled over her eyes, as she stood casually as she could, sipping a soda.

"That is illegal on so many levels."

Mulch grunted coming out of the office, with the papers and forms. Judging by the puppy poster he had also taken, he may have gone a bit overboard. He saw the edge of a tuna sandwich that his ex-wife probably made. Actually, it more resembled a rock than a sandwich. Probably made it to throw at him.

"No. It's not. The Honorable Judge Diggums says it not. He also says it is totally legal to-HEY! Do I SPIT ALL OVER YOU?

Holly reigned in her spewing session to wince at the thought, then went back to spewing for a few more seconds.

"Don't joke while I'm drinking something."

Mulch shrugged carelessly. "No. The rule is, don't say funny things until you are out of spewing range. Ew. Did your bad breath taint this pop?"

"You know, lets go back in. I think I saw some papers about funeral arrangements. Dead Dwarf. Death by unknown cause, most likely by a paperclip, but the autopsy report will say it was by a mutant can of pop. Shall we go?"

Mulch backed off. "Let's go the other way. I saw an office that offered life insurance."

"That was a Marriage Counseling Building."

"….."

"DIGGUMS!"

A CARE HOME IN ATLANTIS

Elf who-was-there-during-the-time-kids-sat-down-and-talked-to-their-parents-for-entertainment*sitting with "World best Grandpa" despite the fact she is...a she. She is both blind and deaf.

"Dang that's loud!"

*Random Sonic Boom comes through a few seconds later, due to the amount of screams heard after 2whitie was heard attempting to sing, and also for the purpose of this fic.*

Elf: *No reaction*

HAVEN, HOLLYS APARTEMNT

"I have. Paid .My. Rent."

A Greasy sprite puffed himself to try to intimidate the irate elf. The only thing he succeeded in was making his chest look fat. And making his lonely brain cell fight for oxygen.

"Well, this says you haven't missy. Right here."

Mulch, depite having just found out what it was like to feel like you have just been hung by Bo Peeps many tails, then slapped with a piece of silly putty made of concrete, stepped forward and grabbed the paper. Hey, his couch was in there, and the exploding garden gnomes he planned to give Caballine for her birthday. He didn't want her to get kicked out because of a little legal potato triangle. Normally he would just describe him as a greasy feller, but he might just have to eat him, so it was advisable to put yummy images in your head.

"Looks official."

Holly grabbed it, and skimmed it.

"John Brown, Ethnics Schmethics?"

He bolted.

Holly grabbed the root beer she was drinking and gave it to Mulch, who chugged it, and she yelled "Code Thirty Two!"

"Wait…that's if Butler is turned by Darth Vader."

"Whatever! Twenty-Three! Go!"

"But that's if…"

She picked his gas-filled self and booted him in the back as if she thought he would respond like a whoopee cushion.

He did. A smelly, Deadly, Grenade-like one.

Shooting after the guy he tumbled into him,and flattened him like a cartoon.

Holly ran the seven miles that Mulch took him, and she arrived, panting slightly.

Mulch sniggered. "You need to get into shape."

"I am. I just don't have the toilet NASA funding me."

"Round is a shape."

Holly ignored him, and grabbed the "lawyer" by his collar, and dragged him up.

"Walk to the LEP headquarters and turn yourself in, before I out myself up on an assault charge again, that will be dropped by Foaly.

"…My leg is missing."*

She bent low, before calling 909 (Apparently, a mutant Stink worm had a baby with a blind Goblin and went on a leg-chewing rampage)

"Rule 21."

*Don't own that joke. Heard it on a project that a few friends put together, and decided I wanted to use it.*

Hope this made up for the deleted horrifying, child murdering last chapter. Again, short, but 4 term papers due, and again, not best chapter, but whatever. And, there was a joke about a Butler/Norris standoff made. I meant it to show that utler wouldn't even need to try, but it wa taken the other way. Oh. Well. Just for the record, if Norris would try to issue a challenge, he would disenigrate on the spot


	22. rule 22

I still have a terrible case of writers block, idontfeellikewriting, and . On the upside, I read the Underland Cronicles, the Rangers apprentice Series, and the Missing Series. All very good. But..i vowed to do a Christmas Fic. To celebrate the best time of year. I put together a cute little list too. Oh well. Just to put it out there, my favorite Carol is Carol of the Bells. Maybe its do you see what I see? Whatever. Merry Christmas.

Rule 21

Failure can be food for the soul.

Artemis Fowl the First was humming "Joy to the World" under his breath when he walked in on a strange sight. The Kitchen was covered in a haze, probably heat, but his son and Butler were fiddling with dough.

"How did you manage to get powdered sugar in your hair?"

Artemis Fowl Junior's eye almost twitched, no doubt remembering how it got there

_Flashback _

_ "No1, where did you put the Russian balls? _

_ The round, spherical, balls of cake in powdered sugar? The tasty ones that you didn't make?" _

_ "Yes, those." _

_ "Well, we ran out of room on the counter, and you said you wanted these cookies to be a surprise, so they couldn't go on the table, so I put them on the next best thing that looked like a table." _

_ "….Where?" _

_ No1 pointed at the large, pan-shaped blades of the fan that currently had baking sheets teetering on them. _

_ Artemis was about to order Butler to get them and move them somewhere that didn't ave a danger of hurting someone lonely brain cells, when Mulch came into the kitchen with a half-full basket of almonds. It had originally been full. _

_ "Is it just me, or is it hot in here?" he asked, while reaching for the switch to turn on the fan. _

_ End Flashback _

"I was trying to look like you" Artemis said, deadpan.

His father snorted. "Let me guess. The invisible fairies did it?"

"Close enough, Father"

His father shook his head. "I know I really should be wearing a bombproof vest in here while you are baking, but your mother told me to tell you that she needs to use the kitchen in 45 minutes, so to start wrapping things up."

"Why didn't you use the intercom?"

"I was afraid the kitchen one might possibly have been removed from the wires."

"My cooking isn't that bad."

His father used the same deadpan tone. " cough The Incident of '99 cough. Who fault was that?"

"Butlers'."

Butler looked offended, but didn't say anything. Artemis father shook his head and left the room.

The Haze solidified, and everyone started snickering.

"What incident of '99?" asked Holly.

Artemis smiled a little. "Well…"

The Fowls and the Butlers were out eating at a fancy restaurant, for Christmas eve, after the service. Artemis had blatantly refused to sit on Santa's lap. Something about stalkers and never to trust strangers who give you candy. He wasn't really in the spirit anyway. His ather was still missing. (A/N if it takes place in 1999, then he would be 11. I could make him younger for a really long explanation that I don't feel like writing out.)

Butler was nibbling on a cookie and watching the room. He saw a shadow moving in the corner, and ushered his charge and Mother toward the kitchen, when the shadow jumped out, brandishing a knife.

The kid on Santa's lap immediately threw himself off and rolled himself up in the carpet.

"Santa! Save Me"

The Santa looked blearily at the man, and Butler drew his gun.

Artemis grabbed the pan from a chef, and took whatever was in the pan, and added something in a suspiuos bottle to it, ( it had a skull on it) and grabbed the pancake thing and hurled it at the knifeman. (he missed completely. He did, however, succeed in knocking over a bowl of prunes.)

Everyone backed away from the prunes. Disgusting things.

Someone whispered at Artemis creation "What is that thing?"

Someone else answered with wide eyes. "Well, its black, and hard..soo..BOMB!"

Everyone began screaming.

Butler sighed, and started to move Artemis away, when Angeline stood up and wacked the knifeperson with her purse, and kicked him. He moved back when Butler spent the next second tranquilizing him.

In falling, he slipped on prunes, and the Santa sighed and sat on him.

The guy passed out, and the prunes were to blame. The bomb was forgotten, until it was taken to the trial, and its properties were unidentifiable.

The incident made the evening news, where a reporter mentioned a "band of thugs that took down a despicable person who would try to ruin Christmas"

Holly doubled over laughing.

Artemis grinned and handed her a basket. "Here, I made these."

"What are they?"

"Plum Drops."

Holly raised her eyebrow and handed him a candy cane. "I think I have a really good idea of what to do with these."

In Holly minds she could

them to mulch

2. get ten extra points in trashketball

Artemis knew what she was thinking, and whispered a plan in her ear. She grinned.

"If I am right, and I usually am, also send a gift of Advil."*

Ark Sool received a nice basket of cookies on hi doorstep. In a few hours, a note for is maid appeared n the doorknob.

LET ME PUKE IN PEACE

All in all, it was a merry Christmas. Artemis and in his churches choir, and turned out to have a decent voice. Mulch sent himself on fire with a candle, and Holly received a locket with a sprig of holly made with rubies and emeralds. She wore it the next day to work, and looked at the baskets of candy and fruit everywhere from the staff party. She would have started cleaning, but No1 was clinging too her leg, something about Qwan getting high on eggnog. She shook him off just long enough to trip and fall face first into a pile of prunes. Rule 22 was working even during Christmas. That dang prune was grinning.

No1 was examining it too, with prunes decorating his scales and a mistletoe mustache.

"That isn't natural."

Yeah, I know, not really funny, but work with me here. Writers block SUCKS. All I want for Christmas is for it to go away. The restaurant thing was based of something that really happened. I should know, I was the kid wondering why everybody was screaming during the family reunion. Merry Christmas, God bless.

*I was going to end it at "holly grinned" but under the circumstances, I wanted a reference to the Nativity. The Wiseman (who is hilarious) keeps saying that.


	23. rule 23

K.. This idea came last night, and all the jokes were in my head lat night, so the humor is going to stink. Thats what happens when all your best ideas come during the shower you take right before you go to bed. As you know, I will be re-writing contact recon, and I was looking through NCIS episodes for ideas when I watched an episode of White Collar. My first thought was "That sounds like something Tony would do" followed by "Nah. Artemis." For fans of White Collar, there are mucho AF references. The dude named Fowler has an awesome pen with the AF symbol, the right color shape and everything on the end. I am jealous. Btw, I received And Another Thing and Plugged for Christmas, and about busted a gut laughing. Anyway, this is directly based on a few NCIS episodes, and the White Collar episode "Power Play" in the beginning. After that, its all me. If it is loved, I will have it spread over into two more rules as a three shot. If not, well, this is it.

Rule 23

"..Someone walks into a bar" jokes are never funny, unless you are there to see it.

"Are you sure this information is even accurate? I mean, She doesn't even know who I am, much less what Koboi has done."

"Just because you are on a long-term undercover mission doesn't mean you're oblivious."

"I beg to differ. Remember Hong Kong?"

"That's different. I was not oblivious, I was asleep. AND it was your fault. You forgot the coffee. What moron forgets the coffee?"

"I wasn't in charge of supplies. That would be your boss, Tinkerbelle-ah Trouble Kelp."

"Whatever. Anyway, like I said, she has no idea who you are, but she is a reliable agent who just got a crappy post. She doent know who we are, true, but she has information on Koboi. She is really skittish though, so, and the flares are acting up, so say anything, just keep her there until I can get there" said Captain Holly Short from the Ops booth.

Foaly, next to her, lifted his eyebrows. "Don't you think that's a bit scary, giving Fowl free rein?"

Artemis's voice came in again. "I have an idea, but…Foaly, I always wanted to be buried in Ireland, and tell Beckett that I hid his stuffed TeleTubby in his own sandbox." With that, he took his communicator out of his ear, took his jacket off, passed them both to Butler, and sat on the bar stool across from the informant, who was looking at him distrustfully.

"Does this have anything to do with rule 23?" asked Holly shakily.

Foaly shrugged, then told Butler to turn up his ear piece, so they could hear everything. Butler was murmuring to himself.

"Artemis knows what a teletubby is?"

Artemis said in a low voice "I'm from the LEP. Do you have something for me?"

The informant, a pixie looked up. "How do I know? I need proof before I start giving out information. These days, it's too risky. Last time I was underground, a filthy Mud Man named Fowl stole information out of some sprites mouth, or so I'm told."

Artemis paused. "What proof do you need?" He made sure that he didn't mention the fact that the he had stocked the Lear Jet with clean clothes, so he was not filthy.

"Name and rank would be nice."

Artemis paused again. "Captain Short."

Holly stared at him from the OPS booth. Her palms were slick with sweat. He said WHAT? Her face was matching Roots on his worst days. She was going to find the longitude and Latitude of (4,4) and dump him there after she killed him. Foaly was clearly trying not to snicker.

The pixie looked placated. "So you hate the Mud Boy to? Glad we agree on something?

We do agree, thought Holly.

Artemis was already talking. 'Yes. As you know, I know him REALLY well, and he's a jerk. Now, the information."

Holly was already out the door, not caring that the flares were up. Might as well go down in a blaze of glory. Foaly was tsking, something but how identity theft was one of the biggest threat to society today.

5 later…..

Holly strode into the bar, about to set things right. She walked up to the pixie who was giving some whereabouts, when Artemis looked up and pulled her in. He was looking slightly scared. "This is my partner, an expert on Opal Koboi."

The pixie relaxed a little, seeing someone closer to her own size. Apparently, this one refused to wear holograms as Short had said, when asked about his size.

"And you are?"

"Commander Kelp" said Artemis, clearly enjoying this.

"A female commander?"

"Yes. And good at what she does."

Holly decided his burying point had just went up to (4,5).

Foaly ran out of the OPS booth the grab trouble and some medical insurance.

Trouble came in a little apprehensively. Foaly hadn't told him anything, just dragged him in. Butler had decided to do his duty and try and save in charges life, so he put the iris cam in a closet.

"what am I looking at? Narnia?"

Suddenly the screen was filled with Artemis and Holly being shoved in the closet by Butler, followed by a crash, and an !Ole!

"What is going on" hissed Trouble

"That you Trouble?" Asked Holly

"Someone brought their water buffalo to the store, and now it's in the bar" said Artemis, clearly not even joking. "We have the information though."

"That's not natural."

"Yeah" Foaly interjected. "You go to a bar, to get killed first by IdentityLock, Then by an elf, and then by an aquatic loving bull? What kind of people come out of Ireland?"

Trouble ignored him. "Good job you two. How did you get him to talk?"

Both of them answered at the same time.

"Rule 23" said Artemis

"How do you like the _name_ Artemis?" asked Holly.

… ….. …. …

There is Rule 23. NO! back to science. Es, I know this has very few jokes, but Im in a serious mood after watching redwall on Netflix. As far as the water buffalo thing…if you don't get that reference, you never lived. Tell me if you want this to carry over to the next rule, or just to leave as is. Did anyone ele she Certain Prey with Mark Harmon? Plus, is anyone else doing the AF scholl thing poseted by someone that im to last to look up? Im signing myself up to be made fun of, so you should too lolz.


	24. rule 24

***excited* **

**Reviews! I purposefully left it confusing, because I had a follow-up planned that kind of explained it. *now sheepish* maybe I could of explained a little better, but whatever. I also have a million Xovers halfwritten. Here are the summaries, so tell me which one to finish. Also, tell me if you want me to just bring this fic to a close at a good round 30 rules, because I'm kind of loosing inspiration. So just PM or Review. **

**Here are the summaries **

**NewsiesXArtemis Fowl: When an unknown criminal finds a rip in time, Artemis and Holly are forced to give chase. The Time rent lands them in the middle of the Newsies Strike. **

**Alex RiderXCastaways of the Flying Dutchman: When Ben and Ned find Alex desperately tring to escape an attept on his life by SCORPIA when they are dragged into the mission, which has 24 hours left to be completed before a promised disaster strikes. **

**Artemis FowlXThe Missing: When Artemis and Holly are investigating a lead on Opal from the past, they find an unusual burst of energy near the home of Jonah Skidmore, and they decide to follow up on the lead. **

**I would be working this AND Contact Recon, plus any other plot bunnies. So just for me, vote. Valentines day is coming so support A/H. And freak out with me when the Last Guardian comes out. Who is excited? Tell me someone else besides me has the day marked out on their calendars. PLUS kudos to IloveFowl for getting the water buffalo reference. Heck, I might use that song for a Mulch song-fic for AFC**

Rule…..ummm..let me check…

RULE 24! (follow up to 23)

Imitation is not always flattery.

Trouble Kelp looked like someone had just taken a blowtorch to his face, then kept it there for laughs.

"Let me get this straight." He growled, each word seemed to be forced. "We have an informant who refused to speak to anyone but a police officer. The Mud Moron Fowl Captain Shorts name, rank, impersonated her, then Captain Short impersonated ME, and you did nothing to stop either one of them."

"Absolutely Nothing" said Foaly, enjoying the commander's anger a bit too much.

The phantom sadist turned up the blowtorch a couple notches.

"You didn't even try?"

Foaly knew he was approaching the breaking point. "Well, I thought about it." He said, trying to pacify the commander.

The Commander wasn't pacified. If anything, he took the pacifier, then spit it out, like pouty babies.

Movement on the screen caught his eye. "What's that? He asked pointing.

"That" said Foaly zooming in "is a dead cow coming through the roof."

"Do I even want to know?" Asked the commander.

Folay shrugged. "Well, you might want to get up their as fast as you can, because I think htats is your captain who just got gored in the thigh with no magic left in her tank by a panicked water buffalo."

"Why id there an-oh never mind. When is the next flare coming?"

Foaly checked the stats. "You might have to illegally." He rubbed his hands together gleefully. "like Diggums"

*five minutes later*

The ambulance worker looked at Trouble curiously to the Centaur on temporary crutches

"How many times did he fall in front of a moving LEP vehicle?"

*NOTE*

In the category of dirty looks, a new one was added. It was named Trouble-Kelps-just-so-we-are-clear-i-will-be-throwing-you-in-front-of-a-moving-vehicle-look. This would have happened later, but he checked to make sure his health insurance was still active. He thought about being cruel and canceling it, but he would have to face Holly's wrath, and it would be more painful than a bus. A troll on redbull seemed more like her.

*END NOTE*

Artemis had taken off his jacket and wrapped it around Holly's injured leg. He was worried about the state of her leg, and stood crouched over it, wincing. Butler had already called an ambulance and tranquillized the water buffalo. When the dead cow came through the roof, he thought about Artemis's safety, then of Monty Python. Then of rule 24.

….

Trouble had hidden his face to the sprite who ran an illegal pod. "Name mister" said the sprite.

Trouble thought about irony at the same time that he said "Mulch Diggums."

Foaly was in the Ops booth, when the thought struck him that Trouble might actually use his idea.

Nah, he decided. Trouble wasn't that stupid.

Trouble wasn't that stupid, actually. He brought the real Mulch Diggums to sell the line. The bar was built on a wood foundation, so he would need him anyway.

The sprite was suspicious. He knew the drill with people who tried to use a famous name. He had at least ten people this month alone say they were Koboi, and one was an old, fat, smelly goblin.

"Yep" blithered on Mulch.

"I thought Diggums was a dwarf"

"His brother is" said Mulch, his face breaking into a wide grin as he threw his arm around Trouble's neck. He was going to milk this identity swap thing as much as he could.

"How is that possible?"

"Well, when a dwarf mommy and an elf daddy love each-"

Trouble gave him the "It will be a subway for you" look.

…..

Mulch looked at Trouble in the shuttle. And shook his head.

"Why haven't I been thinking?" He seemed to be about to say something else but Trouble commented drily. "The First step to solving a problem is admitting it."

Mulch ignored him. "If Artemis is Holly, and Holly is you, and you are me, who am I?"

Trouble snickered, trying to imagine Mulch in a suit.

Mulch nodded decisively. "I must be Juliet"

When he got to the surface, Holly had found some Band-Aids, and it was too late for a healing anyway. Artemis and Butler were the ones needing a healing, because the tranquillized water buffalo woke up in the Bentley when they were checking the seatbelts. The dead cow was thrown in via catapult by an angry McDonalds' employee who was aiming for his old boss a few buildings away. He missed because he built the catapult out of Lincoln logs. Artemis woke up to a big post-it note that had written on it.

P.S. I suck at endings. I have a problem, I admit it. There were quite a few references in here, good luck seeing them. They were mostly written for older readers who are able to watch PG-13 movies so, if you didn't catch the thehy fit with the story.

*I was going to go on, but for this is a K+ fic, and I don't want to scare anyone. Everyone else knows the drill, but if it offends you, PM me, and I will replace it, but it struck me as something the Mulch would say. Hey, I just got done with another course of you-know-what-ed. My mind is in the gutter. If you didn't get the joke, disregard it


	25. rule 25

**Ok… **

**Im not going to apologize. I was busy, and I still am, and I had 2 weeks to get over 16 huge projects done and.. **

**Yes I will apologize. **

**Sorry. I got an amazing amount of reviews, and I couldn't find any inspiration until valentines day. So this is late Single Awareness day Fluff. Enjoy! To whoever asked about me doing a rule about the goblin rebellion movie mention in book 4, I actually made a song-fic, non-posted of it for AFF. Sooo…ill post it here too if anyone is interested. And to WolfButler, Yes, I could see Butler killing someone with a key. My favorite bit was page 150, the bit where he mentioned a friend named Windows 2000. Laughed. So. Hard. P.S Has anyone else seen the new covers? I want the U.S version! Sooo cool looking. Lol, but the UK one has him holding a sword. Go Arty. Go Arty. Go Arty. Go Arty. **

**Disclaimer: Yes. I own him. *tries to make the Eoin Colfer expression that is always on the back on his books but ends up looking like a fish* Really? **

**Dedicated to Mr. Heinz. Yes. He has an awesome name. **

Rule 25: There are no stupid questions, just inquisitive idiots.

Juliet passed a truffle to the right so Holly could sample it. It had a creamy strawberry filling, something that was impossible to come across underground.

"We should do something for Valentine's day."

Artemis fingered a cookie in one hand and plans for thermal-honing rose petals in the other. (When it found its target, it blew it up. Thankfully, it left behind a very manly cologne scent). "Like?"

Holly was working on the truffle. "Nothing with violins. I heard about that one proposal of that one cousin of yours that got ruined because of the violin."

Artemis looked scandalized. "My cousin is an imbecile. It was an electric violin, in a supposed- to be-romantic-thunder storm. It had nothing to do with normal violins."

Holly shrugged. "I still would rather listen to normal music."

Juliet already had her iPod out. The strains of LFMAO* were already playing.

Mulch popped up from behind the couch, where he had been exiled to. "So it's THAT kind of party!" He immediately took off his dwarf made jacket, revealing an M&M T-Shirt below it, and immediately broke into a three way mix of the shopping cart, the air guitar, and the dwarf version of a dance mix of Puff the Magic Dragon. *

In all honesty, it looked like the hamster Buggsy from bedtime stories on steroids.

A very smelly, fat, version…

Yeah, there was no difference.

Artemis was kind of disturbed. He tried to get things back on track. "Sooo….maybe a ukulele instead?" he asked.

Juliet clapped her hands together. "Let's get Mulch a Date."

Artemis shrugged. It was a better idea than putting small explosives inside bon-bons. (Or, more accurately Bon-Bombs) "Let's do it."

Holly decided just to go along with it. "We could start by bribing him to stand in front of a blow-dryer. Un-mat some of that hair."

Juliet was of the opinion that he would either look like a very adorable, irresistible cotton ball, or he would look like a tumbleweed.

Both were attractive options. She also wanted to use it, because on time, Mulch had picked up her hair and decided that he now claimed ownership, and its new name was "Fleabag."

Artemis couldn't really say anything. He didn't have the best track record with women. Heck, according to Butler, his best pick-up line had been used on Holly. He had said it after Butler had told him that people talked to you more if they thought you had a sense of humor.

"Soooo….The Mitochondria walked into a bar."

He had been at the Argon clinic at the time, and had slipped into mind-space right after that out of embarrassment. Orion had challenged him for rights right after that, claiming that to make it fair, they had to duel it out with paper wads and onomatopoeia . He had also insisted on finding the Giants-Beanstalks, and setting weevils on them.

"The giants won't be able to climb down once they find out that Weeva's buddies here have chewed their ladders to oblivion!"

Artemis shook his head clear of those thoughts.

"Ok. So here is what we are going to do.."

"Do you have the action hero face down, Mulch?

Mulch nodded. He would have participated in this normally, but after Foaly bet Artemis that he would try and squirm his way out of it, he agreed, reluctantly.

"Good."

They were at an above-ground site for dwarfs. All fairies were welcome, but hardly anyone came in beside dwarfs. Holly ran in, bawling, and pulled a female dwarf to the side.

"My..*sniff* friend was over for a party, and at the end, she was just HUGGING my cousin. Then there was a no-good-dirty-rotten-book thief who made off with a book I REALLY wanted to read, and then he creates a ramp in my fridge to insure all my oranges ended up on the floor, and LIFE HATES ME!" **

She then shot the welcome mat with her gun, imagining it was the notebook paper that Artemis had written his plans out on. Why did she always have to sound like the damsel in distress?

The dwarf took her outside, because State Farm insurance just didn't cover everything.

The Tree House a few feet exploded and everyone started screaming.

A dark shape appeared on the horizon. It looked like..

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

One dwarf with really good eyesight started screaming. "THE FIRE IS SHOOTING FLUFFY GRENADES AT US!"

The Fluffy Grenade in question pushed the female dwarf away from a very dangerous Weevil (That was on fire and was eating a bon-bon) and had his most heroic face on.

Artemis and Holly watched the chaos, and the female dwarf warming up to her "hero"

"Everybody deserves a little action on Valentine's day" said Holly.

They both sat wistfully at the flames.

Holly leaned in. "I think I'll take you up on that moment passionate-French junk Orion talked about."

Artemis smiled, just a little. "Do you really want to?"

Holly smiled. "Rule 25"

And the kiss tasted just like strawberries.

*barfs* ack..fluff o meter just shot the roof. I need to stop attempting romance of any sort.

**A special-Shout-Out top the kid who complained (sort of) the stuff that was mentioned above. If he finds out about this, and I survive, he is an awesome sport. Well, multiple people that I know personally that I parodied in this. But a special shout out to M***** who has been a bouncing board for jokes that are actually funny, stupid jokes, and just plain dirty jokes. He is finally reading Artemis Fowl, and I'm hoping he convinces his awesome girlfriend to read them too. So they can BOTH be bothered by my obsession.

*A reference that only Americans will get. The Short version: on the Superbowl, there was a commerc ial for M&Ms that went "I'm Sexy and I know it". The M&m stripped off his candy shell and exclaimed "So its THAT kind of party why everyone gave him weird looks. I don't know how many people have seen this, but I had to put it in after a guy in my class did it.


	26. rule 26

I have the inane ability to do whatever does not need to be done.

I am supposed to be writing up a Sherlock One-Shot for a friend, and I decide to do this first. Before I start and actually write, I received this disturbing message from an author as a response to when I reviewed her story: here is the message

Ur reviews r like wetting my pants. Everybdy can c it, bt only I can feel its warmth.

…..

Don't even try denying it whoever you are. I wield the power of copy-paste. Not that I think hey will see it, it was a review for another archive. On another note, this is pretty dumb, but…whatever. My stories have an X-factor to them. The stuff I think is terrible, I get lots of reviews for, and people telling me how much they laughed. The stuff I spend hours on gets two reviews total. Oh, does anyone else use situations that happen in real life, because it is getting soo much harder to do that, now that e and my friends have officially entered the R-rated zone. So many things I would like to put in here..so many things that would force this fic to be moved up to an M rating…

Rule 26

When the ratio of fangirls to a single man exceeds 7:1, run.

Holly looked over his shoulder. "Really?"

Artemis rubbed the bridge of his nose and sank into his chair. "Yes, really."

Foaly snickered as he looked at the e-mail. "Those kids will be _scarred." _

Butler cleared his throat. "If middle schools are the same now as when I was the young masters age, it shouldn't be too bad. I might not even bother packing the stun grenades for this trip."

Artemis didn't even look up. "Butler, you went to Madame Ko's academy. Your Language Arts involved turning book pages into ninja stars."

The large man frowned. "It did not. For your information, I took law."

The teenage genius allowed a hint of a smile to touch his lips. "**Law **and **Loopholes** begin with the same letter."

Holly had enjoyed seeing Artemis in immense discomfort, the way he was when he read the e-mail. "Back on topic you three. Artemis has to go talk to a school?"

Artemis started sulking a thing. "Something about a program to show kids that reading will make you successful in life. Father accepted two seconds before he realized that they had their honeymoon that night. Absolutely no prizes are awarded to the person that figures who has to take his place."

"Mulch?"

….

Artemis was scowling again. "I looked through these book reports that this teacher sent me, so I could get a feel for popular teen literature. Look at this." He passed the paper to Butler, who spared a secong from scanning a crowd of pacifists with matching shirts for assassins to read the pitifully short report.

My Third Quarter Book Report by _Emma H_

I read a book about one of my fav book characters, Alex rider. It was a book called eagle strike. I waz into the forst chpter,wen i waz like, alex and sab 4ever! there just rite 4 each other, u no? I lolzed when cray died. The end. *

Butler blinked as he tried to maneuver his way through the report. He wasn't sure what was worse, the grammar or the summary itself. He slowly handed it back to Artemis, who almost looked afraid to touch it, as if stupidity might be contagious. Still, it was an extreme case. There were some well-written ones, and he might talk more than normal, due to the fact he liked American accents, and the school he was speaking at was in the Midwest.**

Two hours later, he walked into a classroom of fourteen year olds. Eighth Grade. (In England, that's a year 9..i think)

He immediately started analyzing them. Some kids didn't even look up from the book they were reading. Other acknowledged him, then went back to stuffing vending machine food in their mouth. Four people exactly gave him their full attention.

Of course four people did.

One of them froze.

"Nico?"

Five girls heads popped up at the same time.

Artemis was slightly uncomfortable.

A girl in the back leaned out of her chair as if trying to get a look at his back.

The teacher stood up from behind her desk

"Class. This is Artemis Fowl, who will be representing Pages to the Future. He has looked over you last book reports, so feel free to ask him questions about teen literature, and how what we teach in school affects business."

_Absolutely none of it _thought Artemis.

His sharp eyes caught some kid skillfully pickpocket another kid's gum.

_Very little of it _

He looked at the girl who was about to fall out of her seat. "Do you need something miss?"

The girl looked startled, then smoothed out her hair. "Does the words Maximum Ride mean anything to you?"

The girl studied his face for a change in expression.

"No."

Three kids looked horrified.

She stopped staring. "Never mind. You remind me of someone I know.."she trailed off, muttering something about fangs.

Some bookish kid who was reading Dracula was angling himself so he could see if Artemis's reflection was present in the mirror.

He lifted an eyebrow for a minute, before launching himself into a lecture that he had spent a few precious minutes concocting on the plane. Most of it totally false.

"..And that is how with the right education you can become president." He said in a robot voice, not an ounce of enthusiasm showing through his eyes.

"Any questions?"

He nodded minutely to a kid in the front.

"How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

Artemis answered, deadpan. "Five pounds"

Some kid with a t-shirt with the Narnia emblem on it asked "Are you Edmund? Because, I just saw the movie, and you look like him."

Artemis instantly regretted using his blue contact.

"If I say Yes, will people stop asking if I am Ender Wiggin or Edmund Pevensie?"

All the girls in the room shut up for a split second, their attention completely captured.

The Bell rang.

"Artemis…" Butler said faintly, reaching for his sig. (Tranquilizers sometimes just don't cut it with fangirls armed with cameras)

"Yes?"

"Rule 26"

"Duly noted Butler."

"No, mine."

"Which is what"

Bears and Fangirls are almost the same thing." He said, as if speaking from years of experience . "You don't need to be fast, you just need to be faster than your friend."

….

Holly picked up her phone.

"Short."

"Holly" Artemis said in a slightly frightened tone.

"Yes?"

"Someone in the TV world heard about the enthusiasm I drummed up with the kids."

"Why is that a bad thing? You should be proud of yourself."

Artemis was close to breaking. "I got an invite to repeat the speech."

"From another middle school?"

"Oprah."

**A/N: **

*** Eagle Strike is a real book, part of the excellent Alex Rider series by Anthony Horowitz. I swear, someone turned in a report like that. I wanted to do something people were more familiar with, like PJatO, but they really did use the "I lolzed wen they died" line, and LOTS of people die in Alex Rider, sooo…and I needed a pairing. As popular as the Percabeth pairing is, in AR, books 3-8, that is the only ship possible, and I didn't want complaints. **

****Hey, I live in the Midwest, and I think Irish accents are cool, so maybe it's likewise for Irish people. If you are Irish, and you think American accents arnt cool, too bad. Besides, it dpends on the region. Sometimes I miss a few words is a Georgia accent is really thick. **

**Fang=maximum ride **

**Edmund=Narnia (movie Verse)**

**Ender=Enders Game (Movie Verse)**

**Nico=percy Jackson**


	27. Rule 27

**Yeah..Writers Block. It sucks. I wasn't originally going to post anything, because I really don't have anything funny. To be honest, I usually steal jokes from when I hear people say it, and just revolve a scene around the joke. This system works until you get older and half the jokes made are really meant to stay in the M section, and your class is in permanent you-know-what ed. For those of ypu who don't know what I'm talking about, bless you. If you do, groan along with me. The only reason im posting anything is because I wanted something up for Easter. I like to post holiday-themed shorties, but the idea I had doesn't really revolve around Easter and what it REALLY stands for, because then I would have to make it a serious chapter, and I suck at writing anything serious, and getting nailed to a cross is no laughing matter.. Notice: Important: I have no inspiration for this, so consider this on hiatus. Maybe finished after other fics, but it isn't the reviews that I want. If this chapter gets 4 reviews, I will for sure finish it to 30 rules, if not, I will label it as finished, and update for holidays only. **

Rule Whatever: You don't know what you have until you have lost it.

"Argon is on vacation?"

"Two weeks, apparently. Told me not to get in trouble."

"Artemis, I think this qualifies as trouble. He even wrote it out on a sticky note in case you tried to twist his words around."

"Too late."

"Too late for what?"

"I already twisted his note around." He passed it to Holly without looking up from the Easter egg he was carefully painting on, an exact replica of a Monet in sphere form. Holly picked the note up with two fingers and studied it.

"This looks pretty straightforward, Artemis." She said, raising an eyebrow. "Did you check the lab footage or something and see him crossing his fingers?"

"No. I was watching him in fruitless hope that he would do that. He was in a hurry and spelled "Trouble" with a capital T. T infers "Trouble" as a proper noun, therefore meaning a person, place or thing. I am in no way "in" Trouble. The commander is not a cannibal as far as I know. Eating me would the only way for me to be "in" him, due to the fact of height differences."

He didn't notice, or completely ignored, the look Holly was giving him as he rambled on about fairies eating humans without any mayo or mercy. She realized he was just rambling because that was how he concentrated when he was painting. She also stopped because her eyebrows hurt from holding them up so long. She stopped his ramble before it got too out of hand.

"So the reason you are in this mess with is because Argon capitalized a word he shouldn't have?"

"Yep."

Holly held the bridge of her nose and let out a long suffering sigh, something he was picking up from Butler.

"From the top again?"

Artemis raised an eyebrow as he concentrated on a single lily on the bottom of the egg before reaching for another one. "Mother is hosting a gigantic easter-egg hunt after the church service and had already placed water-proof eggs all over the grounds. I was originally supposed to hand out the baskets. Butler did his rounds this morning, and somebody replaced certain Easter eggs with neon grenades with painted on pansies. So we have to replace them all, and host the hint knowing someone wants to kill me." He replaced the egg that he had just painted. "That's what we thought at first. Turns out the egg-grenades were actually filled genetically altered flowers that smell nice when they come in contact with air."

Holly couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Go on."

"The flowers inside attract dust mites."

"And?"

"I'm allergic" Artemis clarified.

"So someone is trying to assassinate you with orchids that may or may not make you sneeze?"

"Butler thinks so. He wanted to stand next to me, but Mother doesn't want the children to be scared."

"I don't see what would make them think that. If anything, they should be scared of the twins. Things tend to explode, combust, grow hair, vanish, grow extra limbs, come alive, get munched on by the yeti, the penguins of Madagascar attack with M16's…"

"Hmm, that's funny. Don't remember the last one. My memory must not be what it used to be." Interrupted Artemis, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"What was it like."

"I don't remember."

Holly gave him the look.

Artemis's right knuckle shifted slightly under the power of the look. "They haven't caught anything on fire. Except Mrs. Hudson's Honda."

"I thought she drove a van."

Artemis didn't even reply as he placed the last egg in the basket, and took a yellow tie with chocolate bunnies on it and fastened it around his neck.

"Anyway, back to the story. Why can Butler not guard you against The Pansy Power Killers?"

"Heh. Well, you can't have an Easter party without an Easter bunny…"

"You are kidding."

Artemis shook his head. "He made me carry some means of protection."

"What are you carrying?"

He picked up a bunny that looked suspicious, like it belonged in Monty Python.

"That bunny looks odd."

"Its mother was a hamster and its father smelled of elderberries."* He shook it, and it morphed into a can of cheese spread, that when on contact with air turns into chloroform.

LINEBREAKER

(That linebreaker doubled as a time travel machine. Our favorite characters are at the hunt now,)

Myles gave Beckett and Andrew a hard look.

"I don't think Artemis will fall for the old redbull trick."

Andrew, a family friend of the same age, rolled his eyes.

"He detected our flower eggs. We want to stir up romance between him and the red-haired chick, right? Flowers equal romance. He IS a teenager. He will take the red bull. If he really likes her, he will offer it to the girl as a gift. We are here celebrating the biggest gift, right? They get showered with flowers. Then we turn away when they smooch."

Beckett was impressed "You've put more thought into this that I have."

Myles wasn't convinced that his brother would take it. Especially of Andrew was the one who gave it to him. "Let's leave it in the grass so he won't get suspious."

The four-year olds nodded. **

Artemis was standing by the edge of the lawn when we saw the same flower hanging out of the top of a red bull that had been in the eggs. He grabbed Holly's arm and pointed it out.

"Lets wait for the song change for the couples to get off the dance floor before be make a mad dash across the lawn."

"No. It may as well be on a timer in this heat. I may not be the only person with dust-mite allergies. Father found more of the same flowers in a bouquet that Andrew's family brought, and had to remove it."

The outdoor lights dimmed, signaling a slower song coming on. Artemis maneuvered around a few couples, and then gave up.

"Come on. It would be faster to dance with the crowd." He awkwardly place two hands on her shoulders. "Know how to dance?"

"No."

"That's makes two of us."

Holly copied the stance of the other women, and cocked her head. "What's the song?"

"Lord I Lift Your Name On High."

"I liiiiiiike it."

The dance very conviently moved mostly to the right, so after about two minutes they stumbled off the dance floor.

Holly kicked the can. Then poked it. It was, a Artemis suspected, filled with flowers. "That sucks. Red Bull is good." Holly had always drank Redbull every time she came to the Manor.

Artemis grinned, and pulled a can from his jacket. "Think of the Rules."

She grinned. "A Celebration of the defeat of the daffodil gang."

Artemis held up his cup of grape juice that he picked up from a nearby table. "I'll drink to that."

In a nearby bush, Myles scowled.

"It is so the Azalea Assassins."

**Like I said, writers block. Remember: Four reviews or this will be the last rule. If I don't get 4 reviews by the next time I post, I will post a last chapter with a notice that it wont be continued, and as a consolation bit, include all the deleted scenes that were stupid, crossovers, not really that funny, or just was too weak or short. (I.E. Butler getting told he was going to be the Easter Bunny, in rule 13, when I wanted Argon to get treatment for recovery purposes after being in a hospital with Artemis. No matter what, this will be over by 30, due to the fact it really has overstayed its welcome, I don't really like the story anymore, and I want to work on other things. I'm open to adoption, if I think you will improve upon it.**

*Blatant Monty Python reference. If you don't get it, forget it

**by book 8, they are four


	28. rule 28

**As much as I was really happy with the amount of reviews I got, this fic is going downhill, partially due to the fact I take my jokes out of real life, and half the jokes that I say/use/repeat at school are beyond M. What? Plus, finals are biting at my heels, along with everything else. Just finished with the mess that is orchestra, and Formal. Yes, I wore make-up for the first time, curled my hair, and wore a Grecian dress. And to top it off…I got addicted to the Stravaganza, Case Closed, and Magic Kaito. Don't laugh**.

Question: For the promised blooper reel, for the page or so with dirty jokes that were actually cut at the last minute, do you want to include it with the rest of the bloopers, but separate it with a warning in bold halfway through so little kids with reason don't read it, or do you want them separate, in the M section?

Rule 28: Never let things distract you

Example One:

Artemis looked down at his watch irritability. "Where is Mulch?"

Holly, the person on the other end of the line, sensed the tension in his voice. This was a simple job, but Mulch not showing meant a change in the plan. If any changes to the plan were made on Mulch's account, due to anything less than something resembling the Tara incident, Artemis would be giving Mulch the silent treatment.

Holly was just as tense, knowing that a change in the plan would mean she would get the short end of the stick. Again. She tore her thoughts away from images of strapping Mulch to a barbeque in order to hear her phone ringing. Normally for operations like this, she used her phone to talk to Artemis, but for this particular tech-savvy fairy that they were chasing, they needed something more advanced. I.e., heh, acquired, LEP equipment.

Flashback

Trouble Kelp glared at Captain Ash Vein.

"Captain…"

"Yes Commander?"

"A Ginger mugged me!" Is not an excuse for losing 10,000 ounces worth of gold in LEP equipment." He sighed. "Why don't you go help Captain Short with the crate shes moving to her apartment. No sense in making her carry whatever it is halfway across Haven on her own."

"Yessir. Right away sir."

End Flashback

Holly answered her phone, while fingering her stun gun as she saw the caller id. Her gun was a charge level short, but there was enough to brand Mulch.

"Short"

The caller ID stating that the call was coming from Diggums and Day, and she had assumed it was Mulch.

"MULCH DIGGUMS! YOU LITTLE…"

"Hey, geez, its Day."

"Oh. Sorry. What do you want?"

"Hey…be nice" he said in a play-condescending voice that he normally reserved for murderers and kids. "Trying to help. You and your friendship skills."

"What do you know about friendship Mr. The- only- time- I- even -attempt –to- be- nice- to- my partner -is- when -he -attempts -to- swallow -me?"

"More than you?"

"Like What? Any examples?"

Holly waited for a moment while she heard the distinct sound of someone typing "Friendship quotes" into the computer.

"…Friends are like snowflakes. If you pee on them they disappear."

Holly made a face. Clearly Doodah had picked the first one on the list. "What site did that come from?"

Back at the agency, Doodah clicked on the link next to the line. "..EHarmony."

"Really?."

"No. It came from Barney and Friends."

In making this statement, she didn't realize that the ground was slightly shaking behind her and that Mulch had been busy sneaking up on her, attaching a kick-me sign, with a flip side that read RULE 28.

(In case you were wondering, the criminal was apprehended. He was also blamed by Mulch for the sign.)

Example Two (This one will make absolutely no sense if you haven't seen the Princess Bride)

Artemis was quite protective of his brothers and tried to protect them from everything. Curse Words, Naughty ads on the internet, anything dirty in music. So when a few three-old came to him asking who-or-what LFMAO was, he understandably, lied.

"Its…ahh..some idiot who was so scared when he saw the ROUS that he wrote it wrong."

"…What's an ROUS" quizzed Beckett, a suspicious look on his face that clearly stated that he knew his brother was trying to pull a fast one.

"Duh. A Rotating Oreo Under the Room…Right" asked Myles uncertainly.

Beckett felt the floor for evidence.

Artemis coughed. "Ah..no. Rodents of Unusual Size."

Realization dawned on Beckets face. "Oh. THOSE. You could have just said so. I've seen them. One is in the cellar, made its home in the strawberries. I shooed it away this morning. I would have done it sooner, because its belly was really swollen so it must be sick, but today the belly was gone, but it looked like it had parasite stuck to it, like, twelve of them, so poked it and all of the parasite went into the strawberries and disappeared, and it curled up in a ball, so I carried it outside." He was a bit breathless after uttering The Run On Sentence Of Unusual Size.

Artemis spit out his oatmeal that had slices of strawberries in it, and looked for baby rat corpses before slowly putting it in the sink.

"No. These rats are bigger."

Myles and Beckett were three, and immeadilty sensed a Story Time coming on. They dived under the covers of their beds and looked at Artemis expectantly. Artemis sighed, and rubbed his temples with his getting-paler-by-the-second-hands. "Well then…"

"There was land in which there was a princess about to be married. So another kingdom who wanted the riches that came with the princess offered their oldest son's hand in marriage. Princess Holly came to their kingdom hoping to be pleasantly surprised with the person she was to be married to. The prince there was smart, but he was in fact, a jerk.

He saw her, and to see if she was a prissy person who did everything her husband asked, he took her out on a date to McDonalds, which happened to be built right next to an Olive Garden. The next date after that was to anger management classes where they had to sit with people who either really did have anger management issues, or were there because in the Kingdom's No Peasant Left To Catch Up policy that required that both the bully and the bullied to go to anger management if there was a fight.*

One little boy with brown curly hair in the front piped up. "What if part of your job involves touching people?"

The instructor gave him a look. "That's inappropriate at anytime."

"Even if their dead?"

"Well, you see, I work for 2whitie, who remembered she was supposed to have an NCIS reference somewhere in here….AND I work in autopsy…"

They left after that, and a white van drove up, and offered the princess candy. She agreed, and when she got close, they kidnapped her. Prince Artemis worried about the diplomatic issues this would cause and ran after her. He was wasted in thirty seconds.

The group traveled across a sea full of red fish, blue fish, one fish and two fish, and the tone-deaf eels. The Princess jumped, and used her army training to swim to shore. Prince Artemis, just happened to be coming in the same direction, moving in a motorboat very fast after being shipwrecked on the island of Vogon Poetry.**

"Hey." Said the short, smelly leader named Fertilizer. "Don't do that!"

The Princess ignored him. The Leader pirate tried another tactic. "That's Prince Artemis in that boat"

Princess Holly swam back to the boat.

After being tranquilizing the princess, the three companions dragged the princess up the cliff. They left someone named O Ace One Kelp (the title Knight became boring. Honor Schmozerand all that) at the top of the cliff.

O Ace One Kelp was really tired after climbing the cliff and it took him a while to catch his breath. Prince Artemis simply raised an eyebrow and installed an elevator.

When Artemis stepped out, OA1 Kelp had his taser drawn and held it in a threatening manner. Artemis, having grown up in a castle/manor knew decorum, and put it into play.

"Who the heck are you?"

"Read the name tag moron." The name tag had the words Hello! My name is Indeigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Artemis raised a thin eyebrow ever so slightly. "Who names their kid Indeigo Montoya?"

"Indeigo Montoya" rolled his eyes. "The name is really O Ace One Trouble Kelp, but my name was translated to Japanese for a random cousin who can't speak English, and it lost something in the translation back." He shrugged. "And it's not really my father that was killed, more of a commander."

"You have my condolences" said Prince Artemis. When Trouble was off guard, he shoved a sandwich that he had made himself down Troubles throat. He passed out due to food poisoning. Artemis passed the next rock. Butler was there. Butler had been hired by Head Pirate Fertilizer, but when he saw Artemis, he switched sides.

Flashback

Butler stood in front of Artemis, his face shadowed. "None shall pass."

Artemis passed him a copy of The Mother Daughter Book Club.***

Artemis passed, and showed him a gift certificate to Barnes and Nobles.

Butlers transaction of loyalty was complete. Artemis thought it would be a good idea to have someone on his side that made Chuck Norris whimper.

"I refuse to fight wimps" was the explanation told to People Magazine explanation.

Both Artemis and Butler went to the Third rock, where Fertilizer was kneeling over, groaning from where his captive, Princess Holly, had kicked him in the nuts. She looked up and saw Artemis with his customary grimace on his face.

"Want one too?"

Artemis was saved by the awaking of The Shifty Crampy Achy Ace One who nailed him with a taser, and turned him instantly into Orion.

"Milady….I believe you were willing to give something? It is my greatest desire in life to give you anything you desire. Anything! Even more than the urge to run the soft auburn rays of light that they call you hair through my undeserving fingers…."

Holly turned to Butler. "Are all the princes taught to be like that?"

Butler nodded.

Holly turned to The Slightly Less Crampy But Still A Bit Green In The Gills From the Greek Yogurt That Was Slathered On A Ham Sandwich O Ace One Kelp. "Tase Him Again"

Trouble did, and watched as Artemis sat up. He rubbed his eyes blearily. "Sandwiches.."

The Ace One jumped of the cliff into the swaps of the Rodents of Unusual Size, but before he was eaten, Prince Artemis woke up, and sent to tapes to Animal Planet, and documented them. Which is why we know about the ROUS."

Myles raised an eyebrow. "You made up an entire story just to go along with killer rats, when you could have just stopped halfway through, and realized that I downloaded "I'm Sexy and I Know It" onto my Ipod?" He narrowed his eyebrows into the thinking face. "This is quite informative. What is this "passion" that this man with the repulsive fluffy hairstyle speaks of?" He bit into a strawberry.

Beckett was more worried that Artemis had the imagination to come up with something like that. So, instead of asking if Butler's romance movie addiction had spread to Artemis, he asked the only question that fitted the situation.

"Did you forget rule 28?"

Example Three (Future Fic, assuming the twins are about in first grade)

Holly was procrastinating paperwork by playing trasketball with wadded up reports and her trashcan, while lying on her back. Using the speaker in the wall she was also talking to Artemis.

"You do realize that Myles and Beckett don't always follow you precious rules, right?"

Artemis was sitting up at a 90 degree angle, and drinking tea. Normally this news would bother him, but he was working on building up walls for annoyance that came from his best friend. "Yes" he replied simply.

Holly, not getting the reaction she wanted, frowned. "Foaly bugged their room.."

"Never trust a hobby horse"

"….and found out that them and a little boy from their class, Mason, it seems having been forming their own rules."

This slightly disturbed Artemis, and his hazel eye, the one that always seemed to give his irritation away, glimmered. "What are they?"

Holly smirked at the hint of stress that was threatening to poke through. "Ever thought about taking up knitting? I hear its relaxing. Beats playing with Leapfrog, and takes up less energy than planning world domination." A sudden image of Artemis sitting in a chair knitting, and all his clothes covered in pom-poms, and his body draped in rainbow shawls came to mind. She jumped up to dispel the image.

"So. The Rules?"

Small pillows with the rules embroidered on them came to mind.

He could hear Holly suddenly getting up and walking until she had found what she was looking for. "Ok..hmm….Like Angelina Jolie…..Never speak of the Guy code…Never speak of the guy code….Never speak of the guy code…fear lunchboxes…weird list. Why lunchboxes? I mean, ive seen fight club, so I know where at least a few of these came from..but lunchboxes?"

The glimmer in his eye that was a spark of irritation quickly turned to one of amusement. "Welllll.."

Flashback

_Myles was trying pry a girl in his class of his back. "Get…off…me.." he grunted before she lightly jumped onto the pavement. Myles stood up and rubbed his sore back, winced then looked the girl in the eyes, who was grinning and whirling her lunchbox, as if looking for an excuse to hit him with it. He grimaced again. _

"_How much do you __**weigh?"**_

End Flashback

Holly howled with laughter, at Myles and at the amounts of Neosporin needed the next day. "What stopped Myles from receiving broken bones? She asked, as if each word took a lot of effort. (It did, the amount of oxygen in her lungs was barely enough to sustain breathing).

"The Lunch Lady."

Holly shook her head, the individual hairs on her head bouncing with her, as if to exaggerate the movement she was making.

"Never forget Rule 28"

*No Child Left Behind Policy. In most ways it does a lot of good, mostly investigating home cases and things like that that cause I kid to redo a grade. However, if you are being bullied and you hit back, you get sent to anger management. Something that may be overturned soon due to all the complaints.

**HH2TG reference

***In the Artemis Fowl Files, Butler stated twice he liked romance novels

As much as I value what reviewers think, heck, I liked this chapter. Tell me if you think so otherwise


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